FCYU-Feature Story

Five Steps Behind
My group home didn't teach me how to live on my own.

By Kareem Banks

Coming into the system at age 10, people told me all types of stuff about the bullies, the thieves and the lack of freedom. All this was true. Living in a boys group home was like living in a scared straight program. What nobody warned me about, though, was how unprepared I'd be to face life on my own after living in one of those homes for seven years.

I was nervous when I came into the group home, but I hoped it would teach me to be responsible in a grown-up kind of way and change me into a better person.

The group home rewarded us with snacks and later bedtimes when we showed we could handle chores like vacuuming, washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom without being asked. I was angry for having my freedom taken away, but after awhile, I felt I was becoming more mature. All the bad things people told me about group homes made me want to do what I had to so I could get out quicker.

A 'Don't Care' Attitude

A few months later, though, all the staff who really cared for us left or found better jobs. The new staff wasn't experienced with adolescents and had an "I don't give a damn about these kids just give me my paycheck" attitude. Since our parents weren't around, I felt it was their job to be our parents. Their jobs are not like working a register: If you're not built for the challenge or don't care for us, then don't waste our time.

But they stayed, making my life hard. If I asked their advice, they would always tell me to talk to my social worker, who came in only three days a week and always missed meetings with me. If I was depressed about something, like a home visit being cancelled or a visit that went bad, they wouldn't sit down and talk to me to find out what was wrong or if I was all right. It was like having blind or dead babysitters.

No one ever talked to me about going to college or vocational school, how to have a career, how to rent and keep an apartment, how to resolve conflicts with people or even how to cook a hamburger all the way through.

Cooking should have been easy to teach since the staff cooked every day. But when I asked to be taught they'd say, "Y'all know we don't allow y'all thieving asses to be in this kitchen." They didn't want us in the kitchen because most of the residents would steal food from the pantry. The only thing that I know how to cook today is fried fish, grilled cheese sandwiches and those little packs of soup.

An Inferior Education

Let's talk about the group home school I had to go to up there, too. They would teach us way below regular standards. In 10th grade math class, I was assigned fractions that I learned in the 7th grade.

One day, I came home on a visit and saw my 12-year-old brother doing his homework at the living room table. "What kind of work you doing?" I asked him.

"Math," he said. He handed me his worksheet. It was polynomials (a form of algebra), which was the same exact thing I was getting in 10th grade at the group home.

Worse, he was doing it with no problem. It was easy for him! I had a hard time finding a formula for a bunch of letters and numbers. I really got upset thinking what my life would be like when I left the group home.

Making Mistakes

When I eventually got discharged, I desperately needed a job. I didn't know what was needed for a job interview besides a tie, slacks and a dress shirt. I went on three job interviews and was turned away each time because I didn't have something that I didn't know I needed.

First, it was a state ID that I didn't have. I got one. The second time it was a Social Security card I didn't have. I got that. The third time I was turned down because I didn't bring my birth certificate. I got that, too-but I felt five steps behind, not knowing something that everyone else seemed to know.

This is how I've had to learn-by rejection and making mistakes. I feel we should be taught what to expect ahead of time. I want to be prepared for what's coming up so I don't have to ask for help.

If I were in charge of a group home, I would try to make living there more like real life. I'd try to make sure every discharged resident is properly prepared for society instead of feeling left behind and not ready.

What I Would Change

The group home would teach things residents need to know to be independent after leaving care-how to manage money, make a budget and keep a job. Young people would be taught how to cook, clean, get along with people and pay bills. I would try to get people who could offer job opportunities involved with the agency so residents would have jobs to go to after they leave.

When a resident gets discharged, he would be able to keep in touch and visit the group home to learn more skills to deal with obstacles he faces.

I would only hire qualified staff who love kids. That way, residents who feel stressed, angry, or lonely would have staff who are willing to listen, be supportive and help them through the hardship of being away from their families.

I feel it's the system's responsibility to hire good staff. Every two or three months, I'd have residents rate the staff so that everyone knows which staff members are good for the kids and the agency.

The staff who the residents rate highest would receive pay raises to reduce the chance of them leaving to find better paying jobs. That way, the good staff will get good pay and the residents will be better prepared for society when they leave.