FCYU-Feature Story

Fighting My Old Ways
A diary of one writer's struggle to protect herself.

By Anonymous

Dear Reader:

Before you read of my struggle with life, I want you to know a little about me and how I am. I am a 17-year-old with a twin sister. Even though we're twins, we held a lot of secrets from one another. I was a drinker and I never told my sister about my secret life. On top of that I was a sex maniac. I used to go out with a guy, get drunk and have unprotected sex with him. I saw my body as an instrument for any guy's satisfaction.

I didn't care how badly I was hurt cause for some reason my thrill was to use them after they did it to me. I wanted them to hurt like me. Like how the world let me down when my dad sexually abused me. When you read these entries of the days I struggled to survive from the world that I created for myself, I want you to think of how you cope in your own life.

My Goal

I set a goal for myself to follow. My goal is to develop a feeling of respect for myself and for the men I meet. I have a lot of anger built up towards men. I want to stop sleeping around and hanging out with people who don't give a f-ck about me. I want to go out with my sister more.

When I do have sex I want to learn how to separate my past feelings from my current feelings (like not think of my dad or any other guy who has messed me up in the past) and not drink before I do it so that I can feel the realness of what I'm doing.

I'm always trying to fight the temptations to turn back to my old ways, but the things I do are hard to fight. My body and my emotions are pulling me all over the place.

July 13

After about the tenth guy I realized that I have developed a bad pattern. My friend Tiffany told me about her need to go out with guys and take advantage of them sexually. She had to break her habit when she was gang raped by her boyfriend's friends. She told me that that kind of pain is not worth doing anything like that ever again.

This made me think of how I have acted toward myself and others and how I could possibly change before it killed me. One time I didn't even remember what I had on or what I drank. All I could remember was that I wanted this man to suffer like my dad made me suffer-it was like my revenge on the past. I was going to make him suffer by giving him what he wanted and then just leaving him.

July 14

One guy stands out from all the rest. His name was Chester. He wanted to start off slow like I did in the beginning. He wanted to know all about me-what I was interested in and what kind of people were involved in my life. He was nothing like the others who fell into my trap and then couldn't get out. He really made me feel special.

I knew that if I got too attached he would break my heart, and what I wanted was to break him first. I wanted to play with his emotions. I played around with this guy's head like my dad did when he used my body for his own needs.

The night we went out I got drunk and he took me to his house. I knew that I had him if I was all defenseless, but he didn't do anything to me. Instead he put me in his bed and I woke up the next morning alone and not all bruised or sick. He was on the couch asleep.

One thing I did remember from that night was that he told me that when we do "make love"(I emphasize "make love" because that's how he put it) he wanted my whole body and mind there so that it would be passionate. I thought he was controlling me. That's how it ended. I left him alone. He did call me but I was unavailable to take his call and that is how I let him go.

I set out after another guy to hurt so that I could punish myself. But I will always remember him because he was different. He wanted me, but I don't even want me, so how could we ever be?

July 15

Our group home is closing and the girls are leaving as fast as they came. When my sister and I leave the only thing we'll miss is the view from our window. The men move in and out of my life just like the damn girls in my house do, like clockwork. Every 48 hours there is another.

July 17

When I got to my house I got into argument with one of the girls and I got upset so I couldn't sleep. So, I got the bottle from behind my bed and I drank a little bit of my stuff and I felt so good. I guess that my mother used to drink when she was mad and she would feel so separated from her body and her thoughts that she just didn't feel anything.

I think that I'm like Lady Macbeth: she didn't want to see what her hand did, so she didn't look. That's what drinking does for me when I'm about to do something that I know is wrong. If I really need it I just get so drunk that I can't feel a thing.

I'm struggling trying to fight these damn temptations in my life. The things like these damn feelings for these damn guys who don't give a f-ck about me. Most of the guys I'm with love to see a girl passed out on their bed. I actually don't have a real reason for wanting to give up this bad habit I have. I do know that it is bad for me and my body, but I don't want my body anymore, I hate it, anyone could take what they want from it. But I get that attitude from my dad cause he took all of my body.

July 21

I sat and thought of how I could stop men from hurting me or me hurting them. I could one day ask my dad why he did those things to me. When I learn to forgive him I could forgive myself-even though it is hard to understand why people do things to hurt other people.

July 23

I think in some ways I am making good progress with trying to keep my goal and follow my rules. I tried to stay away from certain guys. Yesterday, this guy called me and started to talk to me about having sex and drinking. I really do want to use him but I told myself that I have to be careful. I only want one thing from him and that is to have sex with him. But I stayed home with my sister and we watched television.

July 26

My mother used to tell me that the finest thing in life is a good man. She used to sleep around a lot. She was like me having three men at one time. It's hard setting rules for yourself to stay away from them, I mean to slow down.

I haven't drunk or smoked weed in nine days, but cigarettes help me fight the urge, just a little. It's hard trying to stay away from bad things.

I fight with myself daily when I think of all the things I did and how I feel that the only way for me to stop these thoughts is to do it again. I get so confused at times but I do what is best for me. I'm trying to hang out more with my sister than with guys on the street.

July 27

It's almost two weeks since I've let any kind of alcohol or weed touch my lips.

July 28

Today my sister and I didn't go to work. Instead, we got on a train and we took a long ride from uptown Manhattan to the last stop in Queens. We had fun cause we were tired and wanted to go to sleep, and what better place than the train? It was quiet. When I woke up we were near a beach and we just sat looking around, thinking of all the peaceful times we had together. I kind of wonder how we ever did it. How we survived alone in this world with no one, just each other.

July 29

Today feels like it's going to be mad slow. I'm so tired cause last night I stayed out with this guy who I met around three days ago. It's kind of hard trying to not do anything with him, because it feels so weird just talking and getting to know each other when I have never really done that before. We talked about our interests and our previous boyfriends and girlfriends.

He really likes to talk. I wouldn't let him touch my hand cause then I would be so finished. We talked until four o'clock in the morning. He gave me a little kiss on the cheek, then we left each other. He really is a sweetie. I can kind of see what my sister is waiting for-that guy who will come and take her away. I never thought of that before. I never looked for it anyway.

August 6

I watch too much Lifetime and Law and Order. Everything I think about is just like what I watch on those shows. Yesterday I had a small drink-a half cup of Long Island Iced Tea. It tasted good but since I haven't drunk in about four weeks I felt a little bit drunk. I felt mad good. But I think that I won't be drinking again.

It's a little hard trying to see the good in not having a male friend who you can boss around and hurt. I do also see what my sister wants from men but how do you change your ways? All I do really is try.

August 8

I'm almost five weeks into my goal and I see a little improvement in myself. I see that I don't need to be drunk or high to get what I want from anyone-all I really need to do is to learn how to make myself happy. Like doing positive things in my life, like not putting myself down with things that could hurt me. I can hang around my friends. In a way they help me grow. But still I seem to find myself stuck between two worlds of wants that aren't me. One world wants me to go away with these guys and degrade myself. The other part of me wants to destroy any and everything that stands in my way and that harms my sister.

August 9

Last night I was watching Law and Order and this 16-year-old girl got caught having sex with a 22-year-old guy, and even though it was consensual he was still put in jail for statutory rape. This made me think of the things I did and how much of it wasn't consensual because I was always drunk or high. Those guys wouldn't care if they had a chick sleeping. To them she has no feelings; she's their toy.

I was, because my body was so fragile and weak that you could just about fling me from wall to wall and I wouldn't respond. Only to wake up all messed up in a stranger's room. With money around me, like someone could just take all they wanted and give me money.

On Friday when I went out with my sister and some friends I drank a little liquor; it got me a little tipsy. I guess that's because I haven't drunk in a long time and my body couldn't even take it. I felt a little sick to my stomach. I won't be drinking again ever, I guess, cause it's not worth being all sick and distorted.

August 11

I put myself inside a ball of protection so no one could break into it and so no one could hurt me. I don't know why anyone would want to hurt me but my dad-I was scared of him. He's been my worst fear for ages.

I was watching this Lifetime movie about this girl whose father died. So she started looking toward men to give her what her dad used to give her. Things like attention, holding her close, telling her she is special.

I feel like her-I do all the things she does exactly like her. About two times a week I let some unknown stranger into my body. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. Something comes over me and I feel good about what I do. It makes me feel in control.

I can't talk to my sister about it; she wouldn't understand. I just want to feel what I want at the moment. So I won't have to feel anything, so nothing can get to me. So I keep on, I do it all the time, whenever.

But I'm trying to keep the goal I set for myself. I believe that no one can help me but me. I have to do anything I can to keep myself from this boiling point when I first give someone that chance to do what they want to me.

I don't really like myself and so far I guess that I haven't really found out why. When I had sex with those guys I felt in control of my life.

Looking Back

Reading over my old diary, the only questions that run through my mind are: "Did I get what I really wanted? Did I make them suffer as much as I wanted to?" My answer: "No." I harmed myself. I put my life in danger and then caused some more pain not just for me but for my sister too. In the end my dad was right. He said, "You will never forget me. You may try to get revenge, but you will look too hard and fall short." I did that when I invited those men into my temple. I never did get what I wanted. I was theirs. They were never mine.