FCYU-Feature Story

Blinded by Love?
I’m caught in an abusive relationship.

By Anonymous

Recently, I realized I am in an abusive relationship. I have been denying it ever since it started because I didn’t want to believe that my boyfriend was a bad person. I didn’t want to be seen as a victim.

My boyfriend David and I have been going out for about a year and a half. I met him when he came to play handball with my sister one day. My last boyfriend and I had just broken up and I was looking to be with someone. I felt weak. I didn’t want to be alone because I wasn’t used to it. I was used to having someone take care of me.

David liked dancing and Michael Jackson. He wasn’t shy and he had a confidence to him. I could tell there was something different about him and I liked that.

‘I Just Let Him Hit Me’

When I started going out with David I felt protected and wanted. I knew that he would keep me safe if any other guy was bothering me. But after a while David started to hit me and I didn’t understand why. I don’t even remember the first time but it was around 10 months after we started going out. I didn’t have a reaction. I just let him hit me because I thought that it was a one-time thing and that he wouldn’t keep doing it. But he did.

He never showed any regret. He’d just act like nothing happened. Sometimes when he hit me I’d stop talking to him for a while. I was upset that he would do that to me, but I never thought of him as an abusive guy. I just thought that he had a bad temper. Then I started talking to people about it and they told me that what he was doing wasn’t right. I thought about it and I thought, “Maybe they’re right and I’m just too blinded by ‘love’ to see it.”

Seeing the Signs

I did some research on abusive relationships. I found out there are things about my relationship that are considered abusive. In an interview I read (you can read it on page 12) it said, “They (abusive men) are very manipulative. Soon they start to control the women’s time, putting the women down, or yelling or using physical or verbal violence.”

My boyfriend doesn’t say nice things to me, and does use some verbal and physical violence. If I see him I have to be on time or he will be mad. He gets jealous easily and sometimes thinks that I’m cheating on him when I’m not.

I read that abuse is not about anger—it’s about power and control. This reminded me of David because sometimes after work he’ll come home in a bad mood and hit me if I annoy him. If he gets yelled at by his boss he’ll wait till he sees me and then take it out on me. It is just that feeling of power that he can do what he wants to me.

According to the interview, people who experienced violence when they were younger are more likely to get into a violent relationship themselves. I’d never heard that before, but it seems true for me. My father was abusive to my mother. He would drink a lot, and then when my mother wouldn’t give him any money he’d become violent. I was always afraid of my father and I never felt loved by him. I think that’s why, now, I need so much to feel loved and taken care of by men.

Blaming Myself

The therapist in the interview said there is a kind of “brainwashing” that goes on in abusive relationships, and it makes it hard for the victim to think clearly. “The women are made to think that they are responsible for the abuse and they are not good and if they leave that they are going to get hurt,” she said.

Reading that helped me understand why I have stayed with David even though he hits me. When he hits me he usually says it’s my fault. I know now that it’s not my fault, but I used to think it was.

Once I asked him about another guy that he worked with and he crushed my hand because he got mad that I was asking about someone else. I yelled at him to stop and had a mad look on my face, but he didn’t even apologize. Afterwards, I felt a little guilty about asking him about another guy, because he doesn’t ever show any interest in any other girl.

Another time, I was at David’s house and I was mad that he was going to leave me to go somewhere with his roommate. I didn’t know how to tell him I was upset, so I slapped him in the arm and then he went crazy punching me in the leg. I couldn’t believe that he got so mad just because I slapped him. I told him “What the hell is wrong with you? You need to see somebody!”

I have told him that it’s not all right to do that to me. He says he doesn’t care and he thought it was my fault because I slapped him first. I shouldn’t have slapped him, but he shouldn’t have punched me. I don’t hurt him and make him cry like he does to me. I asked him, “So you want to be the one in control with all of the power right?” He said, “Of course!” That showed me that he is not going to change.

I Can’t Leave

Still, I’m not ready to leave him. I’ve tried a few times. A few months ago I told David I was going to break up with him if he didn’t get his act together. But he told me that if I broke up with him he would leave the state. I couldn’t believe that he said that because it seemed so drastic. It seemed he would be so devastated to be without me. And, that made me feel sorry for him. I also felt the pain of being without him and it made me feel so alone that I didn’t want to think about it. Even though he was trying to control me, I realized I am still depending on him.

If I broke up with David, I’m sure I’d miss him and just want to get back together with him. I don’t think I can handle being alone. I don’t feel comfortable or safe at my foster home and my sister is always busy with college. I don’t have too much of a close relationship with my foster mother either.

I feel like the support from my friends and family is not enough. What gets me through the weeks is talking to David every day and knowing that I am going to see him at the end of the week. If I don’t have that then I will feel all alone every night.

I still love David, even though sometimes I don’t know why. The interview said that therapists can help women sort out their feelings. But I don’t feel comfortable talking to a therapist.

I know when he hits me it shouldn’t be happening, but he doesn’t hit me very often. When I am lying down next to David at night and when we fall asleep I know that he is always going to be there when I wake up. I know that I can talk to him every night and see him every weekend. Right now, that’s all that matters.