FCYU-Feature Story

Nowhere to Call Home
Almost half of former foster youth become homeless. I'm one of them.

By Princess Carr

I've been in and out almost every youth shelter in New York City, but nothing prepared me for the adult women's shelter that I am in now, Brooklyn Women's Shelter.

You see, I was living with my girlfriend and we started to fight all the time so she kicked me out. Then my friend said that I could come and live with her, but that didn't work, so now I'm in a shelter.

The shelter rules are simple: You have to sign for your bed at 9:30 and lights out is 11:00. You can't smoke anywhere in the building and you are not allowed to bring in food after 6:30 p.m. But other than at bed check, you can do whatever you want, because the staff really don't care.

A Hint of Privacy

The shelter looks like an old grade school and has big dorms sleeping anywhere from five to 20 women. My room has 10 women and on a good night it is quiet.

There are low walls around most of the beds in the dorms. If you stand up you can see right over them, so it's just a hint of privacy, but it works. Sometimes when I'm alone at night, if I close my eyes real tight and hold my teddy bears close, I can almost make myself believe that I am somewhere else. Sometimes walls can make all the difference in the world.

Some of the women in here are really crazy. They stink and act mean all the time.

One day I decided that I wanted to know a little about some of the women. I started to listen more when they talked to me.

One night I asked Violet about her life. Violet is an ex-crack addict with two kids in foster care and a husband in jail. When I first met her, she looked like a man and she smelled really bad. I think she was drunk. She cried a lot, but she seemed to like me, because every time I turned in her direction, she was asking me, "How can I help?"

'I've Been on These Streets Forever'

Violet told me, "I've been on these streets it seems like forever. I don't always know where I'm going, but God will help me get there."

I thought I could interview what seemed like the worst of these women and feel nothing, but that turned out to be untrue. I also thought Violet just didn't want to get help, but that was untrue, too. Violet talked about wanting to get off drugs and how hard being on them had made her life. I believed that she was determined enough to quit.

But then I remember that she didn't come in last night, maybe because the drugs were calling her and she couldn't say no. I said a prayer to keep her safe from harm and to show her that that's not the way: "I wish you the best, Violet, wherever you are right now, and God bless you."

Not Ready to Grow Up

The next night I talked to my friend Jade. We met at a youth shelter when I was 19 (I'm 22 now). I told her we have to stop meeting this way.

Over the years Jade has put on a lot of weight, dyed her hair almost every color of the rainbow and regained and lost custody of her daughter at least three times. (The little girl lives with Jade's mother now.)

Jade told me, "I miss my baby on a regular basis. She's almost four now. Do you want to see a picture of her?" Her little girl looks just like her.

Jade seems to think that the world will wait for her to grow up. Sometimes I get the feeling that she is trying to ward off getting old. Maybe she's like me and missed out on a lot of her childhood, so she doesn't feel ready to grow up, yet.

'Don't Give Up Yet'

Jade and some of the young women hold it together, but other women look and smell like hell all the time. One woman walks around wearing a bubble coat and a Power Puff book bag with a broken zipper. She hides sandwiches in her sleeves from lunch. Even if she was the last person on earth with me and she had all the food left in the world, I would just die hungry.

I want to tell these women, "Just because you don't have a home does not mean that you have to walk around looking homeless. If you have a place to sleep and eat, even if it is a shelter, there is no reason for you to give up on the world and walk around drunk all of the time." That's what these women do and I hate seeing it.

Other times I sit in here watching these women and wish that I had a video camera. The things they do can be very funny, although they're also very sad.

One day I was sitting in the rec. room and everyone was watching TV. One lady stood up as quiet as can be, got up on a chair and let out such a scream. Then she sat back down all calm and went back to watching TV.

Being homeless is something that I would never wish on anyone. I walk toward that shelter every night and wish I could just turn around and go home. The problem is I don't have anywhere else to go.

It kills me when I slip up and call that place "home," because it's not a home. A home is a place where you always feel safe, where you can walk around any way you want and not have to worry about what someone's going to say to you.

A home is a place where you can lock the doors to keep people out. It's where you are loved, even if it's only by you. I've never had a home yet, didn't even think that I wanted anything but a place to stay, but now I do. I'm ready.

'The Tears Just Come'

When I got here, I tried to keep a smile on my face all the time, but then I remembered that before I came in here I was trying to be nothing but real with no pretense. So now I smile when I can and if I'm upset I let it show. I'm depressed, and sometimes the tears just come.

For years now I have been living the life of a drifter, feeling like a ghost. Now I wish I'd found my own place a long time ago.

I didn't have much of a childhood, so I always thought I could reclaim that by acting like a child, but it's too late. It's time to grow up and do grown up things.

I'm scared of going it alone, with nobody by my side. But I need to buckle down and get my own place so I won't ever have to do this again. Now I finally understand that the only one who can get me out of this is me.