FCYU-Feature Story

Mommy's Baby, Daddy's "Maybe"
I realized my baby's father may never step up.

By Anonymous

One night last winter I got all dressed up and cute for a night out on the town with my friend Robert. I was waiting downstairs when I saw a guy in a black Rocawear jacket and dark blue jeans. He was cute and cut, with biceps and a six-pack. Muscles weren't a problem for him.

"You live here don't you?" he said. He told me his name was J.W.

Robert was pulling up in front of the building in a cab, already drunk. He was three hours late so I decided to ditch him. I just got some Henny off him and showed him the door. J.W. popped, "That was your man, right?"

"NO!" I said. As I walked up the stairs I felt J.W. watching me from behind. He kept asking why I didn't have a man and saying that I knew his mother.

In the Mood

I did know his mother! She rang my bell a lot to get in because J.W. was rarely home. She also buzzed me in when I didn't have the intercom key.

Realizing that J.W. was the son of a lady I knew made me feel like I knew him. And it turned out he lived right down the hall. When he asked if I wanted to come over and watch movies with him, I felt safe.

I admit it: I wouldn't have minded if we kissed a little bit. I was in the mood. I was used to getting it on the regular and hadn't gotten any since I'd dumped my ex-boyfriend a few months back. If sex happened, then it happened.

A Guy Focused on Me

J.W. held his door for me. It was dark in his crib. "Don't be scared. I won't bite. Well, not yet," he smiled.

It was appealing to me to be with a neighbor. I was tired of talking to boys in the streets. Being close to him felt really good. Even his Burberry cologne turned me on. He started asking me questions.

J.W.: "So, where your man at?"

Me: "I don't have one."

J.W.: "Why not? Ain't like you're ugly."

My dad was never really around to teach me the ways of men, so I didn't know that the lines J.W. was laying on me were the lines of a player. I just wanted to get close to someone, to have someone give me the attention I needed. I wanted to forget abut my ex and my frustrations and have the attention of a guy focused only on me.

Smooth Vibrations

When he kissed me, I tasted the Henny we'd been drinking. A smooth vibration sucked me in and I felt mesmerized. The way he made love made me think I must be "the one" for him.

With the liquor in my system (plus a blunt I had smoked while getting ready), my judgment was slightly-OK, fully-impaired. But I saw a condom on the dresser and I saw him put it on. I was relieved that I didn't have to ask. At the moment, all that mattered to me were the good feelings.

In the morning, J.W. held me close and said, "I came in you twice last night and I think you might be pregnant."

"J.W., what are you talking about?"

"I'm too young to have a baby," he said. "If you're pregnant, you need to get an abortion."

I felt dazed. "What about the condom you put on?" I asked.

"I took it off while we were having sex," he said. He sounded proud! "I could have lied," he added, as though I should be grateful.

Feeling Trapped

I wanted to cry, but held in my tears.

Why would a guy do such a thing without even telling me? As I sat there stunned, he started screaming, "Look, look! I got my test two weeks ago and see? I'm clean." He pulled out a paper from his top dresser drawer that said he didn't have HIV.

"Thanks for the insight," I thought.

When I left, he told me he would call me later.

I went home and cried, feeling numb and trapped. I didn't want a baby. I wanted to get the morning after pill, but then I thought; "It's Saturday. How could I get it?" [Later, I found out that I could have called Planned Parenthood to get emergency contraception, even on a Saturday, and that you have up to five days after having sex to take the pills.]

I felt dumb for not being able to see that J.W. didn't care about me. I felt I couldn't raise a baby by myself and I started thinking, "If I am pregnant, an abortion sounds excellent. That's exactly what I'll do."

Change of Plans

J.W called my house every day. He insisted that I at least find out if I was pregnant.

So exactly a week and a half later I went to the clinic with my heart in my throat and said, "I'm here to take a pregnancy test." The first test came out inconclusive, but the second one came out clear as day. Two stripes prove you're pregnant and I was.

J.W. kept calling, worrying if I had eaten and asking, "What is your decision going to be?" I kept telling him I didn't know. I was never placed in a position where I had to decide if I wanted something or not. This was a challenge for me.

I thought about scheduling an abortion, but I never did. I just kept blowing it off and delaying. Deep down in my heart I wanted the baby.

Because I'd had a medical problem four years earlier, I thought I might never be able to have a child. I'd never felt real, actual love from another human being. I thought this pregnancy might be my only chance to have a child who could love me. And I felt that caring for this baby would be the first step to becoming a real woman.

'What Were You Thinking?'

My friends couldn't believe I was pregnant and said I was throwing my life away. Everyone wanted to know who the father was, but I didn't tell them.

My grandmother said, "How could you be so stupid and get pregnant when you haven't even finished college? What were you thinking? How come you didn't make him use protection?" After 10 minutes of yelling, I said, "Grandma, I gotta go."

The only two people who really had my back were my uncle and aunt. They said if I needed anything they would help out. Nobody else had much positive to say. It started to dawn on me that I wouldn't have a lot of support raising this baby, but I still wanted it.

A Repetitive Cycle

I came from a background where parents never played a major part in their children's lives. It was hard growing up because my family was so dysfunctional. We fought all the time and we could never cope with our problems.

My father wasn't there to see me come out of my mother's womb because he was in the Army. I met him when I was 4 and loved him, but he and my mother divorced when I was 7. My mother's abuse got worse after my father left, and I blamed him for not being there to protect me. By the time I was 10 I hardly saw him.

I invented a rosy image of the family I would create for myself one day: There'd be me, a father and our children. It would be nothing like the family I came from.

Even though I knew it wasn't realistic, I hoped that once J.W. found out I was definitely pregnant he'd become remorseful, expressive and open-minded. I wanted the father of my child to be there for us.

Since his own father was never around for him, I thought J.W. would understand how important it was to help raise his child. I thought that we should both do everything in our power to raise our baby together since neither one of us had stable fathers in our lives.

But he didn't see things that way.

When I asked for his thoughts about planning for our baby, he would just say, "Whatever you want to do, D." I didn't want to make all the decisions because I was afraid he would hold me accountable for mistakes. And I wanted him to show he cared by having an opinion.

I Can't Depend On Him

Things went bad between us really fast. I tried to be understanding, but every time we talked, we fought. J.W. is stubborn, and so am I. He blamed me for keeping the baby. I blamed him for giving me one.

I got angry that even though J.W. didn't have a job, he couldn't be there at my doctor's appointments to see his own baby on the sonogram. I got concerned that he thought he could just pop in and out of my child's life like he popped in and out of mine. I didn't want my child to be hurt.

Eventually, I had to realize that J.W. is a rooster and I could not depend on him for anything. The last time we talked, he told me, "Don't be asking me any questions. You ain't my girl and you ain't my father." Then he started calling me names.

Mixed Emotions

A part of me is angry, sad and scared. I feel that a child should have both his parents, yet I'm bringing a child into the world who, just like me, will probably miss his father. J.W. tricked me into having unprotected sex, but I'm also responsible because I didn't know him.

Another part of me doesn't want to give up on J.W. I don't want my family to say that I'm just like my mother, who could never make her relationships work out. And, of course, I'd like my baby to have a father. It's hard to give up that rosy image.

Planning My Own Future

Still, I'm happy about becoming a mother and determined to give my baby a better life than I've had. I hoped that the father of my child would be around, but I realize that with all our fights and miscommunication, this may not happen. While J.W. figures out whether he's going to step up, I'm making plans of my own.

I'm at a home for unwed mothers right now and I'm exploring a move to Atlanta, upstate New York or New Jersey. I want to finish college and get a degree in criminal science or radiology. I might not be able to give my baby a reliable father, but I can at least keep my promise to myself that no child of mine will have to worry about where his next meal is coming from.

I know that J.W. is frustrated, and young. Maybe he'll grow up and become responsible. But I also realize that's something I can't count on. For now, I have to accept that this child is my baby, but J.W.'s "maybe."