FCYU-Feature Story

Getting Ghetto
I had to change to fit in.

By Fred Wagenhauser

Would you be interested to hear another Eminem story about a white kid who's been through so much? White kids trying to be ghetto-it sounds like an "Animorph" book, but it's a reality. I'm white, I live in the projects, I can rap and all my life I've made friends with danger and deceit.

My roots in "urban culture" started while I was just a kid living in New Jersey with my Aunt Trish and Uncle Lenny. That side of the family was mixed and threw me into a world of hip-hop and r&b.

I liked rap from the jump. I could vibe the lyrics about how hard it was living in the streets because my family had to scrounge to make ends meet. As for r&b, I loved the way Donell Jones' "Where I Wanna Be" and Musiq Soulchild's "Don't Change" sang about love and loss.

From Peaceful to Chaos

Now, my family has never been stereotypically white. By that I mean acting like you got a bad smell under your nose, have never been arrested, have a lot of money and stay away from the projects. My family is not like that. We don't have money, we're not snobs and some of us have been in care or locked up.

My brother bangs with the six (rolls with a crew) and he's always in trouble. My mother was in foster care when she was little, and when people meet her they know she's real. One time when I riding in the car with my mom, I put on Power 105 and a Snoop Dogg throwback came on.

My mother said, "Oh, this is my sh-t!" and she started to sing along with Snoop and Dre. She's gangsta.

When I was 9 we moved from Jersey to Brentwood, on Long Island, where my mom grew up. When I got to the block, all I heard playing was reggae, Spanish music and of course blazin' hip-hop and r&b. Jersey had been peaceful and quiet, but Brentwood was noisy and crowded and chaotic. I loved it.

A Nerd Turns "Wigger"

When September came, 3rd grade was cool and fun but there was one problem: I was a nerd, from how I talked to how I dressed. My family never really had money like that, so I was in Payless kicks and some Wal-Mart clothes. I was always made fun of.

The next year my mom said I was going to a new school. I was happy. Maybe it would be a new start for me. But again, the same things: I had no gear and I was a nerd. What friends I did make wanted me to change.

"Fred, why do you wear such tight pants?" Harry asked one day.

"My mother doesn't have it like that," I told him. I felt embarrassed and annoyed, because it's nobody's business why I dress the way I do. But eventually it started to eat at me on the inside.

I asked my mother if I could get new jeans so I wouldn't get picked on. The next time my family took me shopping, I picked out the baggy jeans instead of the nut huggers. I was so happy because I got more respect.

Then the tables turned. One day at lunch when I was 11 years old, my friends (who were all black and Latino, like most of the kids in my school) told me I was a "wigger." I didn't know what that word meant until Harry told me it was a white person trying to be black.

That's when I realized that some of the things I did to fit in are not just stereotypically black, but stereotypically ghetto.

Proving Myself

Then, when I was 13 years old, I beat up a kid in my middle school and was sent to a residential treatment center, St. Mary's. In that environment, everyone assumed that since I was white and smart I was a nerd. But when they heard my poetry about my life struggles, it wiped the smirk off their faces.

Then I got sent to a lockdown upstate. I don't like to fight but I will if I have to. So I was fighting a lot just to prove to everyone I wasn't an ass. I felt that because I was white I had to be the toughest and meanest kid on the wing to get respect. I had to learn how to freestyle and battle rap and keep up on the new slang coming in. All this just so I could watch TV in peace.

One time, the whole wing was bored so a few kids started to battle rap. James said, "Come on, Fred, it's just like poetry." I tried and messed up but it was cool so I practiced. I started to speak what was on my mind in front of people.

Finding My Voice

Those experiences taught me to use my voice. I've always been a really shy person. I'm not good in crowds. In general, I really don't believe in myself. When I found out I could survive in lockdown and that I had a little flow, my confidence rose.

But now that I'm right on the borderline of adulthood, I feel I need to change certain aspects of my ghetto ways. I have to calm down a lot. I get into fights on the regular and in the past six months I've been to the bookings three times. Plus, I don't have a real job, I'm not in school and I'm on the verge of homelessness. It's real hard.

Sometimes I feel it in my bones that if I don't get out of my neighborhood soon, someone's going to get hurt. I don't want to do that. I want to expand my mind. Learning about hip hop style and music, and to fight, deal and battle rap-those are not the only things I want to learn in life.

The Best of Both Worlds

I'm hoping to take my ass to college far away from the Lowa Deck. But I wonder if I can go to school far from here, and if I do, am I really going to calm down on the criminal sh-t? I'm not gonna sit here, lie and say "I'm gonna change" when I don't know if I will.

I want the best of both worlds in the palm of my hand. I want to be able to do my thing on job interviews and amaze college professors with my vast intellect, and on the flip side, walk through the projects because I know mad people from different walks of life.

I want to show people color doesn't define me. I want to bring my hunger and the ability to adapt that I got from the streets and apply it to making a straight life. That's my uniqueness. But dealing and getting locked up? Nah. I have to be able to control my anger and get out the damn ghetto.

I fear losing my voice and my confidence. I also fear I might get in too deep and bang, I'm caught up again. But I hope that understanding the dangers that living crooked has in store for me will help me find a new way to stand up and be me.