FCYU-Feature Story

Never Quite at Home
I don't feel comfortable in my neighborhood.

By Anonymous

My neighborhood, Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn, New York, has a lot of brownstone houses and tall trees. Some houses have nice gardens in front, and during the summer, everybody is outside and it feels alive.

In winter, the block is full with Christmas lights. It looks so pretty, lit up like 42nd Street. I like walking down my block around Christmas because it reminds me of when my father would take me around my old neighborhood to look at the lights.

When I first moved to my foster home in Bed-Stuy, I saw that my new neighborhood looked nice and clean and I was surprised to find that I was living in a huge house. There were four floors. My sister and I even had our own rooms on the third floor.

Rougher Than It Looks

Then I found out that living in Bed-Stuy isn't as pretty as it looks. Just blocks from my house, people in gangs hang out. Sometimes I hear gunshots.

But even worse than the violence is the feeling that I'm an outcast. I'm white and most people in Bed-Stuy are black. Some of them seem to think that all white people think they're better than everyone else and have a lot of money. Being stereotyped as a rich, racist snob is weird for me. My family was poor and I came into care after my parents died.

When I first moved to my foster home, I tried fitting in by acting cool with everybody, minding my business and telling myself to be strong. I was shy and quiet. I wanted to go unnoticed so no one would bother me.

Standing Out

At the time, I had a bad birthmark on my face (I've had surgery to repair the skin) and I already felt bad about myself and afraid of sticking out and being made fun of. Being the only white girl for blocks didn't help. I got comments all the time. Once when I walked to the store these boys said, "Look at that ugly white girl." I sometimes heard comments like, "Look at her, she looks crazy." I just ignored them but their comments made me feel even more isolated.

My sister also stood out because she is white, but she made an effort to fit in. She started to dress ghetto, wear bright colors, listen to r&b and hip hop and dye her hair bright red.

I could have also started to talk a little more ghetto, dressed in tight ghetto clothes like Rocawear and Echo Red and listened to hip hop and r&b music, but I didn't want to change myself like that. I don't like dressing that way and I don't like listening to that music. I feel most comfortable listening to rock music and wearing a lot of black and chains.

Seeing Poverty and Power

A part of me is scared to stick out so much, though. I notice that in Bed-Stuy, it's especially important to belong to a group so you feel protected. A lot of kids here join gangs so someone has their back.

When I walk home from the train, I see many adults who look like working people trying their hardest to take care of their families and protect their children, their homes and their blocks. But there's also drug dealing and violence here, I think because of despair and boredom.

Some people have nothing better to do than protect their turf because they don't have jobs and they don't feel they'll ever see a future besides the drug world. Some don't have money and have to steal to survive.

Bed-Stuy gives me a raw look at poverty and power. People who don't have money feel weak and they form gangs to do whatever it takes to get money and power. Then they make other people feel poor and weak.

I feel poor and weak and like an outcast, but I see options for myself, like internships, after-school programs, and jobs that will help me get out of poverty. Even though I've been in care and living in Bed-Stuy for eight years, my ambitions haven't changed.

More Comfortable, But Not 100%

These days, I feel a little more comfortable in my neighborhood. People don't bother me as much, and I've stopped thinking about the bad things that could happen to me when I leave the house.

But even though I feel a bit bad saying it, I still would rather be living in north Williamsburg or Greenpoint, where I grew up and where more people look like me. I don't think I'll ever feel 100% comfortable in Bed-Stuy. I don't feel safe, I don't feel like I'll ever fit in and I don't feel like I have role models living around me.

I plan to move back to a safe neighborhood, and probably a neighborhood that has white people living in it, when I am on my own. I want to live in a place where I don't stick out and where I feel comfortable walking around and meeting new people.