FCYU-Feature Story

Offense Taken
My friends need to realize that racial comments can hurt.

By Eric Green

In the last year or so, I've noticed that some of my friends say things about people of other races that I find offensive.

My friend Lilly and her younger siblings are Dominican, and they all have slightly different skin tones. Whenever I go to visit them, they joke around and call each other racial insults, like, "You white ass" and, "You black ass."

Lilly says to her brother, "Shut up you freaking black ass!" and "You black piece of crap" and "Ain't nobody wanna look at you. You conceited black dumb nuts!"

Offended and Upset

When I hear things like this, I feel like she's being racist. It sounds to me that she thinks calling someone black is an insult.

At times I laugh along because they're being funny, but sometimes I'm deeply offended. Usually I stay silent, though, because I don't want to get in an argument or seem hypersensitive.

Once, when I confronted Lilly, she said, "I joke like that all the time, but not to be racist." If that's not what she means, then I wonder what she is trying to say.

Now, it obviously doesn't bother Lilly that I'm black, and Lilly and I are good friends and we have so many things in common. I think it would be foolish of me to break our friendship just because she seems to have a few issues with black people and I have a few issues with her comments. But I still don't like those comments coming out of her mouth.

'Am I the Enemy?'

Since I started noticing Lilly's comments, I realized Lilly isn't the only friend of mine who says things like that. Her younger brother, Bryan, (who is also known as "Macho" because he likes to fight a lot and wrestle with people) constantly says to me, "Not to be racist…" and then makes a comment that sounds racist. Not too long ago he said to me, "Nowadays, black people are the enemy because they commit the most crimes."

I was thinking, "What does he mean when he says 'Not be racist but…'? Does he think that excuses his comments? Why is he telling me this? Am I the enemy? Do I commit crimes?" I was offended, but I didn't say anything to him. Instead, I just listened to his point of view. He was being ignorant.

Another time he was telling me about a teacher of his who makes spelling mistakes when she writes on the board. He said, "She can't spell! She gets me mad and I just want to punch her in the face! I don't like white people!"

What? What does her race have to do with her skills as a teacher?

Letting It Slide

My dearest best friend Damion Gonzalez also has his words. Being the gay man that he is, he certainly has no desire to make comments that are prejudiced-except for a few things about black people he doesn't like. He once told me, "No offense to you people, but when y'all on the streets alone, y'all always start things and don't finish them. And another thing, some of y'all are very blunt when speaking the truth."

Another time he said to me, "I'm more comfortable being in a relationship with someone of my own race than with a black person. I'd rather be friends with black people."

I didn't want to be a blunt black person speaking the truth, so I just let it slide. I thought getting into an argument would not solve the situation.

Putting Black People Down

Soon afterward, I was talking to my friend Gary, who's Latino and usually doesn't say much about black people. He grew up hanging around with black people and listens to hip-hop and r&b.

Even so, one time he said, "I used to go out with black girls but I decided to go out with Hispanic girls more. Black girls are too freaky. They always want to have sex all the time."

I was thinking, "Not all black girls are freaky, and not all black girls want to have sex all the time. It's strange of you to think that way about black girls and their sex drive."

Maybe he just said that because that's how he sees black women portrayed in rap videos. I don't have any experience with black girls myself (I'm a gay man!) but I felt his words were thoughtless and inconsiderate. How could he judge all black girls that way?

Whether it's out of ignorance, confusion, or just said as a joke, I hate hearing negative comments about my race. Why do I need to hear someone stereotyping my own color? When friends of mine make these comments or judge my race, I feel like the dignity we black people have worked so hard to build is under attack.

Hurt by Stereotypes

But in most situations, I don't point out to my friends that their comments make me uncomfortable or that I think they're being racist. I get so mad that I don't trust what I'm going to say, and I don't want to end our friendship over a couple comments. I know they don't mean any harm when they say those things to me.

Their comments do harm me, though. Even though I know that not all black people go around starting fights, and that black people are not the only criminals, I still find myself thinking, "Do I start fights? Am I too blunt whenever I speak the truth? Maybe my friends are saying these things because they think them about me. Does Damion think that I'm too blunt and I'm trying to hurt his feelings?"

Their stereotypes about black people make me insecure about myself and make me feel negative about my own race. I start thinking that too many of us are trying to act like comedians, or that blacks tell the truth too often about other people but not about ourselves. I get embarrassed when I catch myself thinking negatively about black people or seeing black people who fit the stereotypes.

Unsure About my Friends

I also wonder why my friends are willing to be friends with me when they don't seem to like black people. Do they actually like me? Why am I still friends with them if they have a problem liking or being around black people? When I'm around my friends, I get a sense that I'm not fully appreciated or liked because they associate me with negative stereotypes.

When I told my adoptive mother about the situation, she told me, "They're just doing that because you're there." In other words, they think it's OK to make sarcastic remarks about black people or other races as a way of trying to figure out how they really feel and whether a black person agrees with their ideas. She might be right, but that doesn't make it OK.

So far, I've tried to sit back and let their comments go because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings. I am afraid of coming out too strong, and I fear that they won't listen to me if I speak my mind. I also feel, in the moment, like I don't have the right words to say what I feel.

I Hope to Step Up

In the future, I hope I will have the courage to step up and say something-without creating any disputes. I think I could just ask them questions so I can understand why they're saying those things, and they can understand my discomfort with their words. I could ask, "Why do you make fun of black people so much? Are the black people you're friends with like that?"

I did ask Damion once about why he feels more comfortable having a relationship with his own kind even though his good friends are black. He didn't say much, just that it was his preference, and I was still confused. But I'm glad I asked. I didn't try to change his mind, but I did show that it's not something I understand.

I hope that I can help my friends and I have calm conversations after they make comments that surprise me and hurt my feelings. I want to understand my friends, and I want them to understand not just me, but also the impact that racial comments can have.