FCYU-Feature Story

activity

Discussion and Activity for
Adult Staff & Foster Parents:
Build a Skyscraper of Love

Reading and Discussion: If Manny was on your caseload (or was your new foster child) how would you react?

Activity: Build a Skyscraper of Love

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Story: Brick by Brick, by Manny, p. 4

Reading and Discussion

Materials: Story

Time: 45-60 minutes

Goals: —Participants will see how important it is to give teens “space” and time to build a relationship instead of forcing things or jumping to conclusions about what they participants want.
—Participants will identify specific actions that foster parent can take to build loving relationships.
—Participants will also identify instances where not taking any action may be appropriate.

Note to facilitator: It may help you to number the paragraphs in the story before beginning the lesson. There are 24 paragraphs in the story and we sometimes refer to them by number in the lesson.

Activity: Build a Skyscraper of Love

1. Pre-reading discussion: What is love? Ask participants to define love. As they give definitions, ask if there are different kinds of love. Elicit that there is romantic love (e.g., boyfriend/girlfriend), plus nonromantic love (e.g. between best friends, between parents and children). Tell them that this story is about nonromantic love. [Optional: Love is obviously a feeling. But there is a saying, “Love is a verb.” Ask participants what that might mean. (It means that love is expressed in what we do. Do they agree? Why or why not? [Note: It’s not important find a “right” or “wrong” answer to this question.]

2. Introduce the story and the first activity. Tell the participants they are going to read a story about a boy whose mother abandoned him and who then found a new mother in the foster care system. Ask them, “What are some of the actions or feelings that foster parents find most troubling when youth first come into their home? [Responses should include things like disrespect, defiance, fighting, stealing, withdrawal, refusing to participate in family activities, etc.]

Ask participants why they think teens engage in these behaviors. (They’ll have many responses, but be sure to elicit the idea that at least some of them are testing behaviors.

The teens are behaving badly to see if they will still be accepted. Teens know that they won’t always be on their best behavior, and it’s better to find out right away how they’ll be treated when they misbehave.)

3. Begin reading the story. Read from the beginning to the end of the first paragraph after the subhead, “Giving Me Space” (that’s the 10th paragraph in the story, which ends with “I ran to the kitchen and grabbed something to eat.”

Ask the participants to list the indications that Manny could be trouble. (He got kicked out of his first two foster homes for fighting; he stereotyped foster parents as witches, he wouldn’t come out of his room to eat, and then snuck out for food when the foster mother was in the bathroom.)

Ask them if this is a promising start in his new foster home? Why or why not?

4. Read the next three paragraphs (paragraphs 11-13), from “The first few months….” to the subhead “Feeling Warmer Inside.”

Ask the participants: “Manny basically stays in his room for 5-6 months, keeping to himself and doing his homework. Melba checks in on him but doesn’t pressure him. What do you think of that approach?

What do you think of the fact that she was never “frustrated” that he sometimes stole change off her dresser? Do you think she pretended it didn’t happen? Or what? Is this approach going to build trust or send the wrong message? Why? (Note: There is no right answer to this question. Simply try to get a discussion going in which many views are aired.)

Do you think it was hard for Melba not to intrude when Manny retreated to his bedroom or to overreact when he stole change from her dresser? What was the risk of her low key response? What did she gain?

5. Continue reading from paragraph 14 (“I started to feel….”) to the first two sentences of paragraph 18 (“After that, I opened up….earned her stripes as a foster mom.”)

What does Manny mean that his foster mother “earned her stripes”? Should foster parents have to “earn their stripes”? What are some of the challenges that foster parents face when they are constantly being “tested” by teens? How did Melba deal with that? What do they admire about what she did? What would they do differently?

6. Continue reading from the middle of paragraph 18 (“I started talking to Melba a lot…”) to the end of the story.

Ask the participants to look at how Melba approaches Manny about adoption. What do they think about this “low pressure” approach? Is it a risk to make the approach so low pressure? (Might Manny think she wasn’t really committed to adopting him?)

Manny both wants to be adopted, and feels sad because it represents a final break with his parents. Does that make sense? How would the participants talk with Manny about those mixed feelings?

Concluding discussion: Would you ask Melba to lead a workshop for foster parents at your agency? Why or why not? What would she have to offer? What concerns might you have about her approach?

Activity: Build a Skyscraper of Love

Story: Brick by Brick, by Manny, p. 4

Materials: Colored paper and markers

Time: 30-45 minutes

Goals: Participants will identify the specific things that Manny and Melba did to built trust.

1. Break participants into groups of 2-4 people. Tell them that each group is going to draw “skyscraper of love,” with their markers and paper.

They should read the story aloud as a group. As they read, each member should circle every instance they see of something that Manny or his foster mother (Melba) did to build trust. (See the list, below, for the kinds of things they should be circling.)

2. Brief discussion and sharing. Ask the participants to shout out some of the words or phrases they circled. Ask them to briefly explain why they chose certain “bricks.”. (Tell the participants that if someone else mentions something they didn’t circle, but they agree, they can circle it too.) [If the participants have not noticed enough bricks, elicit a few more items from the list in the list below.]

3. Draw (or build) a tower of love. Tell the participants that each item they’ve circled is a “brick” that they are going to use to draw a tower of love. Using the paper and markers, they should draw a building of “bricks” (or cut out paper bricks), In each brick they should write one of the things that Melba and Manny did to build their relationship. (The participants can be as literal or as artistic as they like. They may literally draw big bricks and put one action in each brick. Or they can just draw a big house or building and decorate it with actions from the story.) [Note: If you used Post-Its, they can write one action on each Post-It, and then “construct” their building from the notes.]

4. Sharing and discussion. Have the participants share their drawings and say a few words about the actions they included on their bricks.

5. Reflection: The Foundation of Love. Remind the participants that the foundation is the most important part of any building. Even though it can’t be seen (it’s underground), if the foundation is weak even the best building will fall. Ask them to imagine a few words that are the foundation of a loving relationship. Have a brief discussion about why these words (e.g., trust, honesty, caring, consistency, vulnerability) are the foundations of love. Then ask them to add those words at the bottom of their drawing. If possible, elicit that one of Melba’s most important “foundations” was patience. (We all want people who love us to be patient when we are feeling vulnerable.) Regarding the missing change, she was also forgiving. (These words are important. Giving names to the qualities we value, and being as explicit as possible about what they are makes it more likely that we will implement them.)

6. Concluding question. Go around the room and ask each person to say one thing that they think makes Melba a good foster parent.

The Bricks: What Manny and Melba Did to Build Their Love
(in the order they appear in the story)

Melba’s Bricks
First meeting: happy face, full of excitement
Asked if they wanted something to eat
Didn’t force Manny to eat
Gave him his space
Checked in on him (re: homework)
Was consistent in her attention
Didn’t overreact when he tested her by stealing change

Manny’s Bricks
Began to answer “yes”
Started leaving his door open
Started talking with her
Started to hug her

Melba’s Bricks
Planned special event for his birthday
Got him a present

Manny’s Bricks
“Opened up a lot more”
Started conversations
Let himself get closer to her family

Melba’s Bricks
Let him know that she wanted to adopt him (but didn’t pressure)