FCYU-Feature Story

Someone to Rely On
Figuring out who’s got my back

By Samantha

Growing up, I never thought that I would have to depend on anyone. My whole life, I have striven to overcome challenges without seeking anyone’s help or support. When it came down to it, Miss Flowers had it all under control.

But as I get closer and closer to aging out of foster care, I’ve started thinking about all the obstacles that might get in my way, and wondering if I’ll be able to handle the pressure. My agency has been talking to me about having a “supportive adult” in my life who I can depend on after I age out of care. It’s made me wonder, “Who would I rely on to help support me?”

There are plenty of adults who I consider supportive in my life, but the adults who I know would have my back in hard times, after I leave care, are few.

My Plan B?

My agency wants me to stay and try to work things out with my current foster mother, Ms. Cruz (not her real name), and my therapist also wants me to use Ms. Cruz as a supportive adult in my life.

My therapist thinks my foster mom could be like my plan B, in case things go downhill for me after I age out and I need someone to fall back on. But I don’t feel that my current foster mother is up for that kind of challenge.

At a recent meeting, my social worker and Independent Living coach asked me if I would like to consider Ms. Cruz as a supportive adult for when I leave care. I thought about it and said, “Why not? If she’s willing to work with me, then I don’t see any problems.”

Everyone then turned to Ms. Cruz. She was quiet, staring down at the floor. I said, “How do you feel about that, Ms. Cruz?” but I got nothing but, “I’m gonna have to think about it.”

Not Worth the Risk

I had hoped she would be thrilled, or say something welcoming. But it seemed like she was unsure, and that bothered me.

Even though Ms. Cruz didn’t say no, the fact that she needed time to think about it made me feel that I couldn’t depend on her. I didn’t want to wait and be all hopeful, when her decision might be no. And I don’t want her to be my supportive adult if she doesn’t really want to be.

Her reaction reminded me that there’s a lot of distance between us. It’s hard to picture myself going back there for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I can’t see her interacting in my life like my old foster mom, Ms. Mollie. I believe that if things are not meant to be, why try to force it.

Afraid to Be Dependent

Besides, I still hate the thought of having to depend on anyone but myself. My heart jumps at the idea of needing someone else to come to for help and support.

I am afraid that if I depend on anyone, I’ll end up always depending on them for the rest of my life, and I don’t want that. I worry that having to deal with a curfew or rely on someone for financial support after I’ve aged out would make me feel trapped. I want to experience life and living on my own, and be able to take care of myself.

Still, even if I don’t need a supportive adult, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to come back to and visit? And it would be nice to have somebody who cares for me, to have an adult who I wouldn’t mind calling my family.

A Better Support

At the meeting, nobody really asked me who I would choose to be my supportive adult. But if they had, my first nominee would be my old foster mother, Ms. Mollie.

My agency removed me from her home last year, because they thought the other kids there were a bad influence on me. But I’ve been able to stay in touch with her.

Every time I go to visit Ms. Mollie, she’s so happy and surprised. She’s someone who I could see myself coming back to on the holidays. I can imagine myself going to her for emotional support if I am in a relationship or struggling to fit in to a new environment. I never thought that I would say this, but Ms. Mollie reminds me of my mother. We have a lot in common and when I lived with her she always made me happy like my real mother used to.

Most importantly, Ms. Mollie has shown me that I can rely on her to be there for me, even though I don’t live in her home anymore. She calls me all the time and wants to know if I am OK and if there’s anything that she can do for me. I feel like she has my back, and I love her for that.

Another Shoulder To Cry On

The other support in my life is my best-test friend in the world, Rasheedat. She and I have been friends since elementary school. Through the good times and rough times, that girl has never once given up on me and has always pushed me to accomplish things beyond my limits by cheering me on and never wanting me to give up. She has always wanted the best for me.

I can see myself relying on my dear friend Rasheedat when I need support and guidance in personal relationships, and when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I still hope that I won’t have to depend on anyone after I leave care. But thinking about Ms. Mollie and Rasheedat makes me feel that it’s OK to need someone in your life. I don’t always have to feel that it’s just me against the world.