FCYU-Feature Story

Playing To Win
I thought if I didn’t commit to one girl, I wouldn’t get hurt.

By Anonymous

I met Katherine one day at the JOY Center, a place where youth from my neighborhood come together and play video games and basketball. Katherine was sexy, played sports and was hood, too. I wanted to holla at her, but I was too shy.

Then Chris, a friend we had in common, got locked up, and Katherine was sad. That’s when she and I got closer. We would rollerblade, go to Central Park, play sports and chill while listening to music. I liked that we had so many common interests. But then she got a job and I didn’t see her for a while. It seemed like I would never get a chance to make her my girl.

Getting Together

One night when I was chilling outside the center, Katherine came over and started to talk to me. I was really feeling her. We walked with my friend L.S. to 42nd street and everything was good. When I stepped out to use the bathroom, she called her boyfriend and broke up with him.

When I came back, L.S. told me to holla, she’s available. I asked her, “You want to try Whiteboy for a trial period?” She did. I was elated. Seeing that she liked me too had me feeling good about myself.

Over the next few months I took her to the movies, bought her things and had fun with her. I’d never spent money on a female before, but I was treating Katherine like a queen.

One day I told her, “Since the first day we met I was feeling you. I always wanted to talk to you but never had the courage.” She sat there all quiet, leaving me to wonder, “Does she feel the same way?”

Afraid to Trust

Despite my strong feelings, I had other females I was messing around with. I never considered breaking it off with the girls because I didn’t trust that Katherine could return my feelings. I thought I might need something to fall back on.

Also, I had no confidence in myself. When I was little I was fat and a complete nerd. I was really shy and I loved to read more than anything. In school I was always picked on for my cheap clothes, messy hair and lack of social skills.

Oh yeah, another good reason I was lacking confidence? For a few years starting when I was 4, my father raped me and told me that I was gay and I would never amount to anything. My own father betrayed my innocence and my trust. How could I trust anyone else?

For a long time after that I just shut down. It wasn’t until I was about 16 that I started to attend groups to help me deal with the pain. I’m still working on healing myself.

The anger and shame I felt led me to violence, and I spent most of high school in a residential treatment center and then locked up. When I got out, I was still fat and felt low about myself. It’s was hard to see myself as anything but a failure.

Gaining Confidence

But I finally started to lose weight and people began complimenting me on my looks, even telling me I should be a model. One time I was riding the bus with my friend Nelson. Mad females were looking at me and passing me the eye. Later he started to complain about how when I’m around he gets no play. Comments like that helped bring up my confidence level.

Soon I started to date and I felt good. My next problem was that I was a virgin, since I’d been locked up from age 13 to 18. I was always being made fun of because I hadn’t had sex yet.

When I finally lost my virginity, I had the confidence of a million men. I became a man-whore. I’m not trying to brag but I know how to lie. I told females whatever they wanted to hear just to get in their pants. Sometimes it didn’t work but most of the time it did.

But I guess I didn’t really have the confidence to make a girl my own yet, to really trust that a girl would like me long-term. So I kept it from Katherine that I had other girls on the side.

The Truth Comes Out

I knew what I was doing was wrong because I felt guilty around Katherine. It got so bad I couldn’t look her in the eyes because I thought that she would see right through me. I stopped bugging her to come to my place because I worried she would bump into one of the other girls.

One night at the JOY Center I heard that Katherine was bad mouthing me and talking how she’d had sex with a friend of mine. I was heated so I told a friend to let her know it was mutual. Somehow, I thought that if we both admitted we’d made mistakes, we could forgive and move on.

But when she heard, Katherine approached me like a mad bull. She said, “You cheated on me and I didn’t know!” She raged at me, but instead of feeling compassion, I raged back. “You were too dumb to see all that was going on,” I told her.

She pushed me and I went to swing. I wanted to take her head off. I’d never been disrespected by a female like that and didn’t know how to handle it. Luckily my friends grabbed me and took me out

L.S. said, “Damn, Whiteboy, I never saw you so heated before. It looked like you had fire in your eyes.”

“You would too if a girl was asking to be knocked out!” I told him. I’d never been so embarrassed and angry in my life. I felt like people could see the anger coming out of me.

Devastated By My Loss

Later on, I saw Katherine was crying. I didn’t expect it because 20 minutes prior she was screaming. That hit a low chord in my heart and I had tears coming down my face. I felt I would have done anything to make her stop crying, but it was too late.

I expected to feel indifferent and uncaring about Katherine. After our fight, I didn’t think I’d hurt so much. But I was honestly devastated.

The intensity of my reaction overwhelmed me. The pain was with me all the time, from when I woke up until I went to bed.

I went on a drinking binge for two months. I was so drunk most of the time that I couldn’t feel the pain. I also went out and robbed people for money. I really didn’t need it, I just wanted to feel a thrill, and I was half hoping to get locked up or killed.

During that time, I confided in my mom about my drinking and the robberies I committed. She yelled at me for being like my father, because he did the same things when he was young. It hurt like hell but I knew she had a point. She knows I don’t want to be anything like my father so it kind of scared me straight.

Trying to Right My Wrongs

I felt so guilty, ashamed and overwhelmed. I wanted to right my wrongs and have a clean slate. So I decided to call all of the girls I’d been messing with and explain that they were not the only one.

I called them all and talked to each a little bit, hoping they’d be as relaxed as possible when I told them the bad news. Some yelled at me and that was cool—I expected it. It was the crying that was unbearable. When one girl broke out crying on the phone, I had to hang up on her because that was too much for me. I felt like an evil person. It was a lot for me to shoulder.

Finally I told myself I had to move on, and fast, or I would be spiraling down an endless mess of heartbreak and confusion. I started to join gyms and youth centers that would keep me happy and busy so I wouldn’t think about Katherine. It took a few months but I was maintaining and moving on.

Then I met Lizzy. I thought we could have a good relationship. She was a sweet and caring person. But karma got me good.

Hurt By Love

Lizzy and I started out as friends. I met her through my brother and we would always chill. On the Fourth of July we were cuddling during the fireworks and enjoying each other’s company. A few days later we decided to become a couple.

I really liked her because she made me laugh and we had fun together. We bought each other gifts, took each other out to eat, skateboarded together and in general had a great summer. After a while I felt that I could trust her and I started to fall in love.

But sitting in the park one day, I noticed how my brother was always around Lizzy and that they were payingmore attention to each other than to anything else. A good friend of mine pulled me to the side and asked if Lizzy was my girl or my brother’s.

“I’m dating Lizzy, why?” I asked.

“Well it looks like your brother is getting more out of the deal than you.”

I sat back and observed until I had seen too much. I left. A few days later, Lizzy was over the house and she tried to hug me. “Get the hell away from me,” I told her.

When my brother got home that night he tried to bark on me for treating Lizzy wrong.

“You have no right coming at me and telling me I was wrong,” I said. “You were wrong. How could you look at me and lie to me the whole time? Knowing that I was falling for her, you went and violated me!”

My brother didn’t deny it, and I went outside so I could cool off. I sat there and thought about how getting caught up in matters of the heart made me feel so hurt. So once again, I made a vow to stay single for a hot minute. I figured if I don’t do relationships I can’t get hurt. No emotional attachment, no commitment, no worries. All I have to look out for is number one.

Reflecting on My Past

But the next four months were a miserable time in my life, not because I was single but because I felt so humiliated by what Lizzy had done to me. Finally, I understood what I’d put girls through.

Over those months I thought a lot about why I got so hurt. I realized I have to stop trusting females so quickly, and hold back on getting attached.

I also realized that when I get hurt by a female, I feel humiliated the way I did when my father hurt me. To make matters worse, I put myself down, telling myself that I’m worthless and no good. Those are feelings I’ve been carrying inside—and fighting against—for a long time.

Sometimes at night I sit and ask God to forgive me for being so dumb. I have been meaning to ask Katherine for forgiveness but she is a hard person to find. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to say to her but when I see her I will. If she can forgive me then I have to be able to forgive Lizzy. I’m cool with that.

A New Start

These days I have a new wifey in my life and I have a job and my own place. I’ve never felt better. Things are going differently with my wifey than with any other girl I’ve dated. Why? Because I won’t fully trust her until I feel less scared for my heart. I like her and care for her but my heart is at stake and my heart means a lot to me. Whatever I have to do to keep myself safe, I’ll do. I’m tired of being hurt. Karma, leave me alone.

From day to day, I feed her tidbits of information and see how she reacts. If she’s cool with what I’ve told her, it brings my trust up a little bit. For example, I told her I smoked and drank. She said she wasn’t into all that and I told her I would chill. My respect and trust for her went up a little bit. I also told her how I don’t want to be hurt and I’m not looking to hurt her either. Her response was that she’s been hurt too much herself to play around.

Now I feel good about myself and my love life. I still have a long way to go but I have made a hell of a start in making my life better for me. I went from a pimp with a limp to a man with a plan.