FCYU-Feature Story

Getting Back My Heart

In “Getting Back My Heart,” p. 4, the writer, Daniel, describes the trauma of being put in foster care after running away from home. Like most kids, Daniel places a lot of the blame on himself for going into care. He feels guilty because he was misbehaving and had run away from home when his mother chose to put him in care. Of course, while Daniel can (and does) accept some of the responsibility, he is not to blame for going into care.

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There are two goals for this activity:

1) Teens will better understand that many factors go into being placed in foster care. That will reduce their feelings of guilt and self-blame.
2) Teens will learn that even though they are not to blame for their circumstances, they do have some control. And their actions often have a positive impact on their situation.

Reading and Discussion

Have students take turns reading aloud Daniel’s story. Read to the end of the section, “What Went Wrong?” on page 5, where Daniel tries to figure out how his relationship with his mother fell apart.

Ask the teens:

• Was one person at fault here? Who? Why? [Tell them to keep this question in mind as they continue reading.]

• At this point in the story, how is Daniel feeling? [Try to elicit as many feelings as possible. He’s hurt and maybe angry that his mother gave up on him, sad because he misses her, guilty because he’d run away, confused about why he is in care, worried about the future, etc.]

Continue reading the story through the end of the section, “Hurt, but Determined” on page 6.

Ask the teens:

• After the phone conversation with his mom, how does Daniel feel? Why?

• What does he decide to do?

• What has changed in the way he’s thinking about what his mom did?

[Elicit that Daniel feels relieved after he finds out his mom still cares about him and that she put him in the system because she was overwhelmed (not because she doesn’t love him). Daniel decides to fix his behavior so that he can go back home. In effect, he decides that he was the one who failed—which means that he’s the one who can fix it.]

Ask the teens:

• Is Daniel right to take all the blame for being in care?

• What things were not Daniel’s fault, and out of his control?

[For example: leaving Russia and his family, being abandoned by his father, being left alone at home, his mom giving up on him.]

• What else could his mother have done? His father?

• Is there anyone else (or any agency or program?) that could have helped Daniel? How?

Read the rest of the story.

Activity: Who’s to blame?
Who could make a difference?

Because Daniel (and most teens in care) have a view of the world that is limited by their narrow experience, they put too much blame on themselves. And they often place an impossible burden on themselves to “fix” their problem, too.

Many people and systems failed Daniel and contributed to him going into care. By looking at the following six factors, we will help the teens see Daniel’s situation (and their own) from a more accurate perspective. Write these factors on the board. [Note: You don’t need to write the material in brackets. But you may want to mention it to explain why each factor played a role in Daniel going into care.]:

Daniel [who ran away and misbehaved]
Daniel’s mother [who was overwhelmed]
Daniel’s father [who abandoned him and his mother]
Russia [a country which fell apart]
United States [a country with stingy social services]
Poverty [Daniel’s mom had to work long hours for low $]

We’re going to assume that altogether, these factors take all (100%) of the “blame” or responsibility for Daniel going into care.

Rank the factors

Tell the teens that they are going to rank the factors, giving the most points to the things that they think played the largest role in Daniel going into care. The total points should add up to 100%. So, for example, if your teens think that poverty is 50% of the reason that Daniel went into care, and each of the other reasons is about equal, they would rank them like this:

50% Poverty
10% Daniel
10% Daniel’s mother
10% Daniel’s father
10% Russia
10% United States
_____
100%

(Note: If the math gets in the way of the lesson, you can just have students draw pie charts, with bigger slices for more important factors and smaller ones for less important factors.)

There is no right or wrong answer for this activity. The goal is to spark discussion and to help students see what a small role Daniel really played in the situation that led to him going into care. Here are some questions to get students thinking:

Poverty: If Daniel’s mother had been wealthy, could she have gotten the help they needed (therapy, time off from her job, etc.) so that he wouldn’t have had to go into care?

Russia: Tell your students that until 1991—the year Daniel was born—Russia was one of the most powerful countries in the world, with a strong social welfare system. After it collapsed, so did the social welfare system. How much blame should Russia get for failing to help its people?

United States: Tell your students that the United States has far fewer social services (health care, mental health care, housing programs, food programs, etc.) than other wealthy countries. (We rank last on many services for children and families.) How much of the blame should our country take for not giving enough support to fragile families?

OK. Daniel’s not completely to blame. So what?

Daniel can’t change Russia. And he can’t change the stingy social service system in the U.S. And he can’t end poverty. But he can change his own behavior and how he relates to his mom, which he’s determined to do.

Ask the teens what they admire about Daniel’s determination? [He’s pledged to change, which is hard. He takes some responsibility.]

Ask them if anything makes them nervous or concerns them about Daniel’s approach. [What if his mom can’t or won’t change? What if she’s so overwhelmed at work that she doesn’t give him any attention? What if she needs services, such as housing or counseling, that she can’t afford?]

Point out that “fixing” a relationship requires effort from both people—and often help from outsiders, too. Ask students: How has Daniel’s mom tried to rebuild her relationship with her son? What else does Daniel need from her? How might he get it? What help could they get from their agency?

Point out to the students that Daniel also has some ability to control his reactions and the way that he communicates with his mom. In the story, he says that it was difficult to tell his mom how he felt, so he would often hold it in until he became angry. Ask students how Daniel might try to change the way he communicates with his mom once he goes home (letting her in on his feelings, asking her to share her feelings, sharing simple things about his day and asking about her day to get the conversation going, etc.). Ask students if they think Daniel can begin to increase his “10%” responsibility in a positive way.

Optional writing activity: Have teens identify the factors that pushed them into care. Depending on their circumstances, they could add things like drugs, family members who abused or neglected them, racism, or any other factor. Ask volunteers to share. Discuss.