FCYU-Feature Story

A Clean Sweep
My apartment went from nasty to neat.

By Christine McKenna

I've been trying to clean my house for about three weeks now. By cleaning, I don't mean that silly straightening up and putting everything away so that the house only looks clean, but still isn't. I mean that scrubbing-the-floors-and-looking-like-Cinderella-as-you-do type of cleaning. I've been living in my own studio apartment for about a year now, and I usually give it a serious cleaning about once a month.

But for some reason or another, I hadn't been doing it lately. In fact, I hadn't really cleaned my home in over three months, mainly because of laziness, one of my favorite pastimes. Besides, the longer I put off cleaning, the dirtier the apartment becomes, the more work it is to clean it, and the less I want to do it.

But it was time to do that down and dirty cleaning. My adventures began.

Let it be known that there are three kittens in my house who have not yet learned that the litter box is for them. They much prefer to pee under the nice, warm stove. Gross, I know. And so is the smell. No kidding. It was horrible, so under the stove was the obvious place to start cleaning.

Tackling the Kitchen

For me, cleaning the kitchen usually means just washing the dishes, wiping down the cabinets, cleaning inside the cabinets, and, when I'm feeling really crazed, cleaning the stove, and then sweeping and mopping. This time I decided to do all that and attack the smelly mess under the stove.

I started with the dishes. Easy enough. I've seen them pile up worse. I don't have one of those good sinks with the split so you can wash dishes on one side and rinse them on the other. Oh no, I have this freaking huge sink so I have to wash each dish one by one-and I go through more dishwashing liquid than anyone should. And for some reason or another the drying towel always has food on it so I can't dry the dishes with it. Even when the kitchen is clean those dishes are sitting there, drying in the dish drain, which takes away from the whole cleanliness factor. But anywho…

Now keep in mind that my kitchen is so freaking "cozy" that calling it a kitchen is hard to do without laughing. Only, like, two people can be in there at the same time, and that's stretching it.

Tests of Strength and Endurance

Next comes the stove. Man, I was totally trying to put this off, or convince myself that the smell wasn't that bad. It was. I don't know how I ignored it for so long. But I did know that if I ever wanted friends to enter my home again, I'd better clean under the stove.

Who knew that you can't pull the stove all the way out because there's all this huge wiring running out of it and into the wall? (And, I later found out, if you have a gas stove, like I do, forcing the stove to come out could rip that gas pipe out of the wall, fill your apartment with gas, and create a serious fire hazard.)

When I figured out I couldn't just slide the stove forward, I stood staring at the back of the stove with this dumb look on my face. Then I went into "I Love Lucy" phase. This is where the physical comedy comes in. I got on my knees and tried to balance the stove on top of my head while sweeping under it at the same time, all the while fearing that at any moment the stove might come crashing down. Don't try this one at home, kids.

Eventually I managed to kick a bucket of water and bleach under the stove. (Bleach is a disinfectant, which means it kills germs. I figured I had a lot of those under there.) While I let the water and bleach soak in, I got up, smoked a cigarette, and gave my cats the evil eye.

Then I tried to balance the stove on my head again and mop the floor. Well, 45 minutes later the stove was clean. I even decided to throw some vinegar under there because I read somewhere that cats won't pee where there's vinegar. So far so good on that one.

Sweeping and Mopping

After tackling the smelly stove, sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor was a cinch. I have wood floors, so I'm scared to use bleach on them. I don't want to strip my floors like I did in the main room. (Long story!) So I usually use Murphy's Oil Soap, which is for wood floors but is also really expensive and doesn't kill germs that well. But someone told me that Lysol, which is a disinfectant, could be used on floors, too, so I decided to use Lysol. It, uh, kinda worked. My floors were clean, but it had this weird residue on it, so I went over it with some Mop n' Shine. (Mop n' Shine is the generic version of Mop n' Glow, for those of us on a tight budget who can't afford to pay the extra three bucks.)

The kitchen was looking so good that I was about to clean the cupboard and under the refrigerator. Then I was like, "F- it," and moved on to the next room.

Scrubbing the Bathroom

Remember those cats I told you about? Well, not only do they pee under the stove, they also think it is fun to rip down every shower curtain I buy. So part of cleaning the bathroom was putting up yet another shower curtain to keep water in the shower.

After that, I used a wet sponge with Ajax (a strong cleanser) to wipe down the sink, my toothbrush holder, the tub and the toilet. Then I swept and mopped the floor with bleach. I put vinegar in the toilet and cleaned it with a toilet cleaning brush. Simple…except for the fact that the toilet seat broke apart and the cats kept jumping in the tub while I was cleaning it, leaving their dirty little paw prints all over. Eventually I had to just throw them in the closet. Now I know what you animal lovers are saying, I should have just closed the bathroom door, but the noxious fumes from the Ajax and vinegar and bleach were making me sick, and I needed all the fresh apartment air I could get.

You might be wondering about now how I can stand to live in an ol' stinky apartment with a bunch of nasty, pee-everywhere animals. Well, I'm lonely. That's how.

After cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, I went through the rest of the house. I straightened the closets and gave them a quick clean with the mop. Then I straightened, swept and mopped my main room. (But just a note, I don't mop like normal people do. I scrub the floor first. I get on my hands and knees with a scrub brush and a bucket filled with hot water and cleaning soap and scrub a small area, then get up and mop that area. Then I get back on my hands and knees and do the next spot. It might sound crazy, but I swear it's the only way to get those floors really clean.)

Finally, I went to what some people call my "foyer." I say to that, "Get real. It's called an entry hall." A pretty dirty entry hall, too. That's where I keep my CDs, and I came across one I hadn't heard in a while. Of course, I had to put it on to see if I still remembered the words.

Interruptions like this are why it can take me 12 long hours to clean my small studio apartment.