FCYU-Feature Story

A Song in My Soul
I want to be a singer, but I’m terrified of the stage

By La’Quesha Barner

One day in the 1st grade, my teacher told us to write down what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wrote down that I wanted to be a singer, and that’s what I’ve wanted to do ever since.

I want to work on songs with everything in my soul. I want people to say they love my music and that it helps them in their lives. Most of all, I just love the way stars look in the light onstage, singing and dancing. That’s where I always wanted to be.

The problem is, I’m so shy I can’t even sing alone in front of a couple of people.

Too Scared to Sing

At home I sing along to every song that comes on and it helps me express myself—but only when I think no one is listening to me. That’s when I really let it out because no one is watching and I can hit any note I want.

I’ve also been singing in the church choir for as long as I can remember. But I’m comfortable there because we all grew up in church together and everybody knows everybody. I sing quietly and I know no one can really hear me.

I just can’t get past singing on my own in front of people. I mean what if I pass out, or get sick, or have a heart attack? What’s even more scary is the idea of somebody telling me I can’t sing, when all this time I thought I could.

When people ask me to sing for them I always say no, ‘cause I get nervous. It’s like I have one shot to do it and I back out. I know I can’t do that forever. I worry, “Will it ever go away, or will I stay like this and have stage fright forever?” I hope to get over it ’cause I don’t want to be like this all the time and let my fears get the best of me.

All in the Light

I’ve always been shy. I’m not that kind of girl to be all in the light and try to take the whole space of it. I stand in the back and keep quiet unless I really want to say something. I like to laugh and talk a lot, but I’m not the kind of girl who’s gonna tell you how I feel. In 3rd grade I was put in foster care for a year and my shyness got worse. It made me even more want to be quiet and just keep to myself.

When I was in care, the other kids were so mean, calling me names, calling me ugly and asking a lot of questions. My first foster mom wanted me to be a whole new person. She even tried to change my name. So from there I just had a lot of issues about myself.

Now I’m always worrying about what people are going to think. For a long time, I’ve felt like I’m trapped in a box from being myself. When I feel like the only one who doesn’t fit in I just distance myself from everything, or I act like someone I’m really not, just to get by.

I know I’ve got to give that up sooner or later. It’s holding back what’s growing inside of me, which is a beautiful young woman who can be anything she wants to be.

La’Quesha wants to be unafraid to speak her mind, to have a good level of energy to keep up with what she wants to do and not be afraid to do anything that anybody throws at her. La’Quesha wants to challenge everything and everyone and kick ass to the fullest and do it good.

The Real Me Revealed

I guess that I love the idea of being a singer because that would mean I’ve finally stepped out of my shell. Singing to me is my way of being myself, of opening up and not hiding anything. But when you’re open, you’re showing other people the real you, and you don’t know if they will like the real you. So taking that chance is a big thing.

Right now I’m still afraid of putting myself out there and letting people get to know me, but I also don’t want to feel distanced from everything and everyone. I think it’s in me to be there and not step back from the light. But I know it’s not gonna be easy.

Since I’ve come out of care I’ve been trying to be more open. I joined the Represent summer writing workshop, and their public speaking workshop, too.

What was scary about the workshops was being in front of people every day and having to speak my mind. At first if somebody asked me a question I would freeze. I guess I’ve gotten a little bit over that.

Part of the Team

What made me comfortable was the fact that everybody was just being themselves and not trying to set themselves apart as though they were better than everyone else. That helped me be able to hang around them and not crawl into my space. Now I can be with the whole group and not be the one who’s sitting out.

I still get scared when I have to read something or participate in anything. Everyone is paying attention to me and I worry that I might say the wrong thing and be the oddball. So I take a deep breath and hope it all ends fast.

One day I had to pick a part of my story that I liked and read it aloud. I was nervous ’cause I didn’t know how the others would react to it. It was one of my favorite pieces of writing because it’s about how to open up more and not be scared of what I say.

When I read it, it felt good because the piece was close to me. I was proud of myself because I was sharing what I want to do in my life as a person, and everybody liked it.

‘I Can’t’ vs. ‘I Can’

I’m still kind of tight in a box, but I’m widening out of it to get some air and breathe. I can finally say I’m starting to feel free to be who I want to be without being shut in. The workshop has helped me to not be so, so tight about letting myself be me. Now I can joke, laugh and talk. It feels good, because I have become so close with my friends in the workshop.

Being with them is pushing me to be less shy and to enjoy the person I am. When we’re all working together I feel like I know everybody, so I don’t really have the wall all the way up. I think they can see through the window.

Whether I’m singing or just speaking up in class, I want to be able to express what’s on my mind and not worry about what others think. I want to be more open to whatever’s out there for me to see. And now I’m kinda confused ’cause sometimes I feel like I can do it and sometimes I feel like I can’t.

When I sing a song that I love and I sing it with all that’s in me, that’s when the “I can” feeling kicks in. But when I’m asked to sing in front of people and I know I want to but I don’t have the courage, the “I can’t” feeling kicks in. And it sucks, because I want to show how good I am, without any care in the world, but I can’t ‘cause I’m scared.

I want the “I can do it” in me and not the “Oh I’m gonna fail” feeling. I don’t know which one is going to take over. But I hope I keep surprising myself, and get to where I want to go.

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