NYC-Feature Story

The Talk: Embarrassing Questions Answered

By Sex Ed

I know a girl who parades around school talking about nothing but sex: the positions she and her man were in, how she was throwing it back, and this, that, and the third. Maybe I’m just easily embarrassed, but I think most of us feel uncomfortable discussing sex so openly. We worry about being judged if we brag like my classmate, or being told we’re dumb if we ask questions.

Sure, we’re given the “sex talk” once we hit puberty; we’re told how a man loves a woman, and then, boom, a baby is born. They tell us to use protection, warn us about pregnancy, and alert us about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. But there’s all sorts of other stuff that we’re curious about, too.

So we decided to have our peers submit their most embarrassing sex questions anonymously. Our resident sexpert Virginia Vitzthum—former Salon.com sex columnist, author of two books on dating, and associate editor of our sister publication Represent—answered those questions.

NYC: What is the one thing everyone should know about their “first time”?

Virginia Vitzthum: They should know that it will probably be, excuse the pun, anticlimactic. If you’re a girl, it’s probably going to hurt a little and you probably won’t climax. If you’re a boy, you will probably come very quickly. People—and the media—get way too obsessed about how amazing the first time is supposed to be, which is a terrible disservice to young people. You feel like you’re supposed to be floating on a cloud, when odds are you’re thinking, “Is that it?” or “I thought I’d feel more connected to this person.” Sex is something people need to figure out how to do well. Of course, sex can feel great, but it can also be awkward, messy, weird, scary, and not in your control, especially at first. Trusting your partner, being ready to have sex, and having a sense of humor about it can help a lot.

NYC: Is it OK to fear penises?

Vitzthum: First off, any feeling is OK. A heterosexual woman will certainly have an easier time with relationships if she doesn’t fear penises, but it’s not an irrational fear. As I said above, the first time usually hurts. Penises are bigger than tampons, and it’s often not an easy fit initially. Penises are also way different from anything on the female body, so they can take getting used to.

Finally, not to be a bummer, but 1 out of 6 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetimes, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. Unfortunately, penises can be used as weapons. If your fear stems from sexual abuse or assault, you should talk to a trusted adult and probably a therapist. Many girls who’ve been sexually abused or assaulted feel like it’s their fault, and shame can keep them silent. It’s not your fault, and keeping it inside only makes it harder to recover, to relearn trust, and to enjoy consensual (agreed upon) sex.

We’ll have more questions and answers in upcoming Sex Ed columns.

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