NYC-Feature Story

Where Do You Fit In?

By NYC

Close your eyes and imagine sitting all by yourself in an empty room, in an empty house, on a quiet street. How do you feel? Some of the writers in this issue of New Youth Connections would describe that scenario as lonely. Others would smile and say it sounds peaceful.

“When you’re literally all alone, that’s called physical isolation, and you can experience that as pain or as blissful solitude,” says John Cacioppo, psychologist and co-author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. “What matters is how you feel about it.”

In this issue, we explore the many ways people experience being alone. In “Independence Day,” the writer feels free and independent when he moves to New York and is finally allowed to do things on his own. Similarly, in “Not the Loneliest Number,” Matthew Hui prefers to celebrate his birthday with his favorite companion—himself.

But other writers describe a longing for more connection. In “Alone in This World,” the author admits she’s learned self-reliance because she’s had to parent herself, but wishes she didn’t feel so isolated. On the flip side, this issue also contains stories that show how our connections with people—whether it’s a teacher, a best friend, or good ol’ mom—help us learn about ourselves and feel engaged in the world.

We’re devoting a whole issue to loneliness and connection because they are recurring themes among teens as we try to find our place in the social world. High school is when we’re developing friendships that may last a lifetime, learning to be more independent from our parents, and maybe starting our first real romances. It’s when we’re trying to figure out who we are and where we belong—or, in some cases, it’s when we look around at our peers and realize that we don’t want to fit in with them.

Whether you feel isolated or smothered by people, the stories in this issue prove that you are not alone.

No One’s an Island

Who we surround ourselves with—and how we feel about our social connections—is more important than we might think. Recent studies have suggested that our friends and acquaintances can affect everything from whether we fit into our skinny jeans to how happy or sad we feel.

Scientists at Harvard and the University of California, San Diego have shown that happiness can spread through social networks: In a study of almost 5,000 people, researchers found that having a happy friend increased a person’s chance of also being happy by about 15%.

They discovered this by asking people who knew each other—friends, family members, neighbors—to rate their happiness several times over a period of 20 years. Those who had frequent interactions with many happy people were more likely to become happy themselves.

Contagious Feelings

And it’s not just a matter of the bubbly, cheery people sticking together, apparently. The scientists said that “clusters of happiness result from the spread of happiness and not just a tendency for people to associate with similar individuals.” Their conclusion: “People’s happiness depends on the happiness of others.”

And though it may seem unexpected, loneliness can also be catching. “Loneliness is the pain you feel when your need for connection isn’t being met, and you can feel that anywhere—even when surrounded by friends or family,” explained psychologist John Cacioppo. If you’re lonely while hanging out with others, you can spread your disconnected feelings to those around you.

That’s what Cacioppo and other researchers found in a study entitled “Alone in the Crowd.” The study, which included more than 5,000 people, concluded that people who feel lonely transmit those feelings to their friends, even as the friendships fall apart. Results showed that having just one lonely friend can cause a 35% increase in the annual number of “lonely days” that the average person experiences.

Similarly, our social network seems to affect our waistlines (having an obese friend makes you more likely to become obese), our smoking habits (having friends who give up cigarettes makes you more likely to quit, too), and much else.

This doesn’t mean we should only befriend skinny, cheerful non-smokers, though. Because our health and happiness is affected by everyone we come in contact with regularly, it’s especially important to help those among us who are struggling.

For example, when a classmate or family member seems lonely, help him feel more connected by asking how his day is going or sitting with him at lunch. If someone you know is dealing with a weight problem or smoking habit, be supportive when she makes healthier choices. And if those around you are generally happy, do what you can to help them stay that way. Because, as these studies show us, we’re all in this together.

Write a letter in response to this story. If selected, your letter could be published in the next issue of NYC.