NYC-Feature Story

My Crushing Secret
Did my attraction to a guy mean
I was gay?

By Anonymous

(The names in this story have been changed.)

Watch Mauricio Alexander perform
"My Crushing Secret"

I first saw Miguel early sophomore year. It was 6th period and I'd gone to the main office, where there was a candy drive.

As I opened the door, I saw him standing there, wearing blue jeans and a dark blue shirt and buying a Midnight Milky Way bar. He was about 5'9", with dark healthy-looking skin, and handsome in an Antonio Bandaras or Antonio Sabato Jr. way. I could tell just by looking at him that he worked out.

And I couldn't stop looking at him. Time seemed to stand still. My mind went blank and I just stared at him, like "Duh."

Seeing Him Made My Day

Then I snapped out of it and went about my business. I was embarrassed that I could be affected so strongly by this guy I didn't even know. I tried to push my thoughts of him back into the dark depths of my mind. That worked until I saw him in the hallway a few days later.

I became so infatuated with him it wasn't funny. Almost every chance I got, during lunch or between classes, I roamed the halls hoping I would see him.

He had such a powerful effect on me. If I was feeling crappy and I saw him, I would immediately feel happy. Eventually, I overheard one of his friends say his name in passing, and I learned that he was a senior.

I guess it's not uncommon for people to get big crushes on people they barely know, but in my case, it was even more awkward because I was a guy practically in love with another guy.

I'd Assumed I Was Straight

I'd never felt that way about a guy before. I wanted to know what was wrong with me that I couldn't control my emotions or feelings towards him. I couldn't understand it and I didn't know what to do. For the first time, I was truly afraid of something.

I had assumed automatically that I was straight. In 6th grade I had my first crush, on a girl named Maria. I wasn't nervous around her. I just thought she was pretty and nice. She was easy to talk to and we became friends.

Now that I look back, though, there was this one guy in junior high I'd been attracted to. But he was always surrounded by pretty girls and I just assumed I was attracted to them or wished I was in that crowd.

And sophomore year, there was a guy in my first period class I liked, Johnny. But my feelings for him were on a different level than my out-of-control feelings for Miguel. Johnny was handsome and friendly, but he didn't have the same impact on me.

Does This Mean I'm Gay?

I couldn't stop thinking about Miguel, but at the same time, I didn't want to think about my attraction to him. I didn't want to deal with what it might mean about my sexuality. Still, the subject kept popping up like an annoying ad on the internet. Did my crush on Miguel mean I was gay?

At the time, I thought gay people were all sick, freaky-looking, smart, rich and going to hell. These beliefs were a combination of what I picked up from my parents and the media.

From movies and TV shows, like Queer as Folk and Will & Grace, I got the idea that gay men had good paying jobs, but often had outrageous and dangerous lifestyles of drinking, drugs and promiscuity.

Hearing Horrors of Homosexuality

Meanwhile, my parents believe that homosexuality is a big sin, pure and simple. When issues like gay marriage or gay adoption come up on the news, they say things like, "That's nasty and disgusting." They tell me stories about how "back in our day," gay people would stay in their houses and wait for death. I imagined them alone or locked in their parents' basements or something.

I knew if I told my parents I might be gay, I might as well have a grave and funeral arrangements ready. So I kept my crush a closely guarded secret.

I was terrified. It was like walking through a minefield. I hated it so much, and felt horribly alone.

But I couldn't see telling my friends about my crush, either. Sometimes they'd claim to be fearful of gay people. Even if I changed the story a little by telling them it was an older girl I had the crush on, I knew they'd keep pestering me trying to guess who it was. Or worse, they'd pressure me to go for it and spill my guts to my crush.

I Felt Possessed

In junior high school, some friends had asked me plainly, "Are you gay?" I'd always say no, because in my mind at the time I was straight.

Their asking didn't bother me, because I knew I did things in a unique manner. I was probably the only person they'd met aside from teachers who didn't curse every other word. And while everyone wore Timberland boots and Sean Johns, I had my own style-a little gothic, a little punk. But my classmates accepted me anyway.

Being a little different was all right, but my crush made me feel so weird. I felt possessed. It was like I was someone else when Miguel was around.

I'd fantasize about approaching him, but then I'd think, "How is he going to react? What would happen if someone else heard? What if he's flattered, but taken? What if he's a bonehead jock, and I put myself in a dangerous position?" Coming out to a stranger was something I wasn't ready to do. (I wasn't ready to come out to myself.)

But I never saw him long enough to start a conversation with him, and I didn't know what I would say anyway.

Checking Out the Greek God

Then one day, a few months after my first sighting, I had pool gym. Miguel emerged from the water looking so beautiful, like one of those Greek gods, with drops trickling down his skin. I was so excited I thought for sure I'd have a heart attack.

I just sat there on the side of the pool looking at him, occasionally checking to see if other people were looking at me looking at him. I was afraid of what people might say if they saw me staring at him the way I was.

Even worse, I was "physically happy," but I was holding my coat in front of me, so that took care of that. It was a supremely embarrassing moment, but for the rest of day I held Miguel's image in my mind and a happy look on my face.

But I saw Miguel rarely after that. By the time he graduated in June, I was feeling less obsessed. I guess not seeing him cooled me off. Still, I wasn't completely over him. He was still in my thoughts and dreams.

I Told a Trusted Teacher

It wasn't until two years later when I was a senior that I told someone about him. I couldn't keep it in any more. I finally spilled the truth to a teacher I was close to. We'd talked before about other issues I'd had. He'd listened and been supportive and I felt I could trust him with my secret.

I felt like I was telling someone I was a secret agent for a foreign agency. But his attitude was, "Oh, OK, whatever," like it was no big thing. I felt so relieved. He even recommended some groups where I could meet other gay kids.

I felt nervous about going. What if someone saw me there and my parents somehow found out? But after a few weeks, I worked up my nerve.

I started going to meetings for gay kids in the school and took in some of their positive energy. The kids I met were good people. None of them were rich or freaky looking. They were just "normal." Going to the groups, hearing the other kids' stories, and just being there made me stronger.

My Friends Were Cool With It

Since going to the groups, I've been able to slowly accept my sexuality. It's how I am and I can't change that for anybody. Accepting the truth has made me more comfortable with myself. I accept that I am bisexual. I am sexually attracted to girls and guys, and that doesn't make me perverted or weak.

Two months after I'd talked to my teacher, one of my closest friends noticed that I'd been talking to the gay kids at school and asked me if I was gay. And this time I said, "No, I'm bisexual." She had the same reaction as my teacher: calm acceptance. It was a big relief, since I was taking a shot in the dark.

I told some of my other friends who I trusted most that I was bi. Even though I knew I could trust them, I made them swear not to tell. And again, to my relief, they were comforting and extremely cool about it.

I'm still not out except to a handful of people I can trust. It's nobody's business anyway. The day when I choose to be out is my decision.

I Am Not Afraid

In the end, I'm glad I saw Miguel and confronted my feelings. It wasn't easy having that crush. I felt so stupid and embarrassed that I couldn't control my reactions around him. Even now, more than two years later, I still remember what kind of candy bar he had in his hand the first time I saw him.

It was a hard time for me, because my feelings were so new and confusing and scary. This was my sexuality that I was dealing with, and I wasn't ready to be open to it, because of my upbringing.

I am more OK with my sexuality now. I'm not sexually active at this point because I want to make sure I'm comfortable with myself fully before diving into a relationship.

But I don't question myself about it anymore. I know now who I am. And most important, I am not afraid of that.