NYC-Feature Story

More Than Friends With Benefits
My girlfriend and I had to define what we wanted from our relationship

By Ilya Arbit

(Names have been changed.)

As soon as I walked into the coffee shop one afternoon last April, I knew it would be the place where I’d ask Carmen out. I’d been trying to bring myself to do it all day, but I kept hesitating. I didn’t know if she liked me, and I didn’t want to be rejected.

We sat down with our coffee and began talking and casually flirting—exchanging compliments and jokes. I’d liked Carmen for a few months, but this was the first time we were hanging out alone and outside of school. I was filled with a nervousness that made my whole body shudder. My mind, meanwhile, was busy trying to figure out the perfect moment to ask her. Finally, I looked into her eyes and just stared.

Carmen became shy, her face turning pink as she lowered her eyes and looked at the table. When she looked up again, I was ready. I was finally going to do it.

Now What?

“Well, I guess this is the part where I ask you out,” I said, hoping she would understand what I wanted. She smiled.

“Well?” I asked after a long pause. My heart beat fast and thousands of thoughts of both failure and success ran through my head.

“You never asked a question,” she said.

“Will you go out with me?” I finally asked.

I thought I saw her beginning to shake her head. But to my surprise, the shake turned into a nod, and she whispered softly, “Yes.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “What?” I asked.

She answered in the same soft, almost dreamy tone, “Yes, I will go out with you.”

For about five minutes, I was surprised, relieved and excited. But when the shock wore off, I realized that my fear of rejection had been replaced by a new fear. Now that she’d said yes, what was supposed to happen next?

Unappealing Options

I’d watched many of my friends enter into different kinds of relationships. I’d seen what the options were in my crowd—friends with benefits, casual non-committal dating or complete attachment, and I didn’t want any of those.

My friend Joe once went on a date with a girl and made out with her. Afterward, he assumed that they were together. But a week later, she went on a date with another guy. When Joe confronted her, she said that for her dating meant going out with a guy as a one-time thing, with no strings attached. I wanted something more serious than that.

Afraid to Tell Her

But I didn’t want something as serious as my friends John and Penny, who were so attached to each other that they often neglected family, schoolwork and friends. John and I hardly spoke anymore because he was always with his girlfriend. That wasn’t my style, because my friends were important to me.

My friend Vicky’s “friends with benefits” approach didn’t appeal to me either. She broke up with her boyfriend but they still made out and held hands. They also messed around with other people.

I wanted a committed relationship where we’d be close but have enough trust and freedom to go about our business and hang out with friends.

I knew what I wanted, but I was afraid of expressing it to Carmen. I didn’t know her that well yet, and I assumed she wanted one of the other types of relationships I’d seen. I thought that I was the only one who imagined a relationship like I did. I was afraid that if I made the wrong assumption, I might lose her.

So at first I went with what I knew best—playing it safe. I tried to impress Carmen with nice dinners in expensive restaurants and grand plans for our dates. I was trying to let her know, without saying it, that I wanted this relationship to be serious. At the same time, I was watching to find out whether she wanted the same thing.

Little did I know that, while she appreciated all the nice things I did for her, it wasn’t necessary. She enjoyed simply spending time with me, wherever we hung out. If only she’d told me then. But there was a lot we didn’t say.

We were afraid of hurting each other’s feelings, often holding back what needed to be said. One time, as we were talking, she suddenly blew me off without explanation. That didn’t make me happy, but I never brought it up. I figured she was probably stressed out. Other times, I blurted things out without thinking, and Carmen ended up misunderstanding what I’d said and getting upset. This led to fights and, finally, a break-up.

An Honest Conversation

A few weeks after we broke up, we had a casual talk on the phone. Now that we were just friends, it was easier to be frank and honest with each other. We didn’t worry about the other person getting upset, because we both thought it didn’t matter anymore. For the first time, we discussed what had gone wrong in our relationship.

“I was insecure. I didn’t know what you’d expect from me as your girlfriend, whether it was something serious or casual,” said Carmen.

“But I didn’t know either. I wanted a serious relationship, but I assumed that since you’re a fun, flirty person, you’d want something easy-going. You really wanted it to be serious?” I asked.

“Yes. Well, I wasn’t exactly sure, but yeah. I wanted it to be serious,” she said. A dead silence followed as both of us digested what had been said.

Different This Time

After that, when we hung out, we enjoyed each other’s company, just like the days when we used to flirt at school. One day about a month after our break-up, we went to get some food after school.

“You know, it’s too bad our relationship finished that way. I wish it had turned out differently,” I said as we sat down to order sushi.

“You never know,” she replied, smiling.

“Well, it’s true. When something breaks, it hurts,” I said, not registering what she’d just said.

“So let’s fix it. Let’s try again,” she said.

“Really? You want to get back together?” I asked, already having difficulty containing my excitement. We embraced and kissed, and I knew things would be different this time around. There was no longer a need to impress or hold back because we took each other for who we really were—imperfections and all.

Better Than Ever

Now that we’ve defined what we want and have the same expectations, our relationship works better than ever. We trust each other, and we’re no longer afraid of being vulnerable with each other.

And of course, there’s the emotional connection. We feel good spending time together, and we help each other when one of us is upset or not feeling well.

We share personal things about our feelings, family issues and fears that we don’t talk about with anyone else. And we both still have our other interests and friends.

Today we’re truly the couple I had in mind, and I’m in the relationship that I always wanted to have. Over time, we’ve created our own definition of dating—the definition that works for both of us and makes our relationship work.