NYC-Feature Story

Why Are Girls So Mean?

By Anonymous

All names have been changed.

"Oh, did you see the hole in Katie's sweater? It was mad big!" This was said by one of the "friends" my classmate Katie thought she'd made several weeks earlier. As the cries of laughter poured out from the gym bleachers, Katie stood with her back to the six girls, ignoring them. It hadn't taken long for them to shove her out of the group after she'd caught an attitude with the group "leader."

Truthfully, I didn't care that they were laughing at her, because she wasn't my friend and I thought the hole was big, too. But when I found myself laughing too, I stopped and realized I was being just as mean as they were.

"Why do we girls treat each other so badly?" I wondered. We take advantage of each other, compare ourselves to each other and put each other down. We can be the most petty and fake people on the planet.

'Didn't She Wear That Before?'

I see this a lot in school. At lunch I usually hear at least one group of girls talking about another girl they're supposedly friends with. I feel annoyed when I hear things like, "Didn't she wear those jeans two days ago?" and, "I don't know why all them boys be fiending for her 'cuz she not all that."

Luckily, my friends aren't like that. My friend Felicia always seems happy and tries to lift my spirits when I'm having a bad day. Michelle's one of the smartest and most honest people I know. And Brittany is kind and considerate.

On the rare occasion that I have a problem with my friends, I feel comfortable talking to them about it because we've known each other so long. We can be completely honest with each other. We don't talk behind each other's back, unless of course we're saying something like, "Her hair looks nice today."

We weren't always honest and true to each other, though. When we were freshmen three years ago, things were different between us.

Talking Behind Her Back

Brittany always seemed to be the one who needed the most attention. When our friend Brenda was obviously having a private conversation with her boyfriend, Brittany would go up to them and start annoying them.

And she always talked on and on about her family and people we didn't know, while my friends and I sat there saying, "Uh huh," the whole time. Sometimes, I admit, I just ignored her.

One day we were all sitting together in Spanish class, where we always chatted during class. After finishing one of her long, boring stories, Brittany left to go to the bathroom. Michelle, Felicia and I looked at each other with relief.

"I was trying so hard to listen to her but she just kept talking on and on," Michelle said. "I wanted her to be quiet." We laughed.

"Yes, she's always talking about her cousin and what she did to her, when we don't even know her," I added. We kept talking about her until she returned from the bathroom. I knew it was wrong, but I felt also relieved that someone else felt the same way I did.

It Became a Habit

After that, we started to feel comfortable saying anything about her. We began talking about her out of habit. A few days later, Michelle, Felicia and I were in the lunchroom together.

Felicia said, "I don't mean to talk about Brittany's hair but do you see how it looks? She hardly has any hair coming through her ponytail." We all laughed, and Michelle used her hands to mimic how much hair came through Brittany's ponytail.

That's when I started feeling bad. Her hair was somehow more personal than whether her conversations were boring or not. It was something she couldn't control, so it felt especially mean to talk about it.

I knew Brittany would never talk about me behind my back. She may be a little annoying sometimes, but she's a loyal friend. Suddenly I felt so awful I had to say something.

Putting a Stop to It

"You know, we shouldn't talk about Brittany like that because she's supposed to be our friend," I said. I knew they'd feel the same if they really cared about Brittany.

"Yeah, that's not right. You know, we shouldn't do that anymore," Felicia said. The mood was automatically serious and I could tell by our frowns that we meant what we said. Since then, we've never said negative things about Brittany behind her back.

I'm glad I realized how much I cared about her. Otherwise, we'd probably still be talking about Brittany to this day, or we'd have booted her from our group the way Katie got booted by her friends, and started making fun of her more. I think girls just get into a habit of talking about other girls behind their backs and end up doing it without realizing.

Smiles Instead of Fists

But why do girls act so mean? I think many girls talk about each other because they feel more powerful when they put others down. I decided to do some research to learn more about the problem.

I found out that it's not just a teenager thing. A Brigham Young University study recently found that this kind of behavior starts long before high school-girls as young as 3 and 4 exclude others and use peer pressure to get what they want.

And many girls don't stop talking about each other when they become adults. Even my mom and grandmother often talk on the phone about my aunts and cousins. They may not be as mean as teenage girls, but it's still harsh sometimes.

Psychologists say girl-on-girl cruelty is actually a kind of bullying called "relational aggression." Girls are more likely than boys to bully without using their fists. When girls bully each other, they "use psychological forms that are harder to detect and easier to deny, and they can do it with a smile," said Tim Fields, co-author of Bullycide: Death at Playtime, a book about bullying.

Is It Just Girls?

I wasn't surprised to read that. This kind of meanness does seem to be unique to girls. I rarely see boys talking about each other behind their backs. I think that's because boys get their problems out in the open more quickly and don't hold grudges against each other.

For example, my boyfriend Michael and his best friend Corey weren't always friends. They met three years ago in the boys locker room. Michael thought Corey was talking about him.

"You talkin' about me?" Michael demanded. Before Corey could respond, Michael punched him. Corey stood there in shock, and everyone around them said, "He wasn't talking about you!"

Michael apologized. A few days later Corey and Michael started becoming friends and left the misunderstanding in the past. Today they're best friends.

Focusing on Me

That never would've happened if they'd been girls. They'd probably just have talked about each other behind each other's back. Even if they did confront each other, I think two girls would've ended up being worst enemies, not best friends.

I still talk about other girls, but only to say positive things like, "Her outfit is nice." I figure if the only way I can be happy is by putting other girls down, then I'll never be able to face my own flaws. I'll just continue to cover them up by focusing on other girls. I don't want to fall deeper into my own insecurity and become a victim of my words.

Being able to accept other girls' differences and faults makes me feel like a better, more open-minded person. And it frees me to spend more time working on myself.