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NYC-2001-09-08a
After an acquaintance is murdered, Winnie learns to value living in the moment.

Life After Death

By Winnie Tang

(Some names have been changed.)

"He was shot, and he died. I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye. It was so dumb," said Alex. "I should've just forgiven him for whatever he did. Now he's dead. Man. I didn't even get to say good-bye."

Alex turned to me with tears in his eyes. I was shocked: I'd never seen Alex cry. I'd never seen any teenage guy cry before.

Killed in a Mugging

It had been a typical January day during my sophomore year at Brooklyn Tech HS. I'd been sitting in the lunchroom, chatting away happily to a few of my friends, when Alex showed up looking teary-eyed.

I stopped being bubbly. "What's wrong?" I asked.

At first, he didn't want to say anything, but then he told me that Victor, his neighbor and long-time friend, was dead. Walking home from a friend's house in Brooklyn, Victor, 18, had been mugged and murdered.

Feeling Alex's Loss

I didn't know how to respond. I was disturbed that someone I knew had died, but I was even more stunned that it had made Alex cry.

To my group of friends, Victor was an acquaintance. We all felt shocked by Victor's death, but in a way, our sadness was about Alex's sadness, because he was our good friend. Alex's reaction affected me almost as much as Victor's death itself.

I Cried, Alex Didn't

Alex and I were pretty close and when we talked about how we felt about our friends and family, we sometimes got emotional.

One time, when my parents were fighting, and they didn't talk to each other for a few days, I was scared that my family was going to fall apart. I called Alex to talk it out, and in the middle of the conversation I started crying like a baby.

I cried sometimes, but Alex didn't. He'd get mad or pissed off, like when his dad did things like cut his phone line or break his door. I'd listen to him vent about what a jerk his dad was, how his dad didn't know how to be a good father. But I never saw Alex cry.

Questioning the Future

Most of the time, though, Alex's personality was just as carefree as mine. Nothing ever hit him hard enough to make him sad for a long period of time. Not until Victor's death.

All I could do that day was give him a hug and tell him it would be better, but I thought to myself, "How can I know that?" Who knew what the future might hold?

Victor's death made no sense. Until then, I hadn't thought of the future, at least not in any philosophical way. To me, the future was, "What am I going to wear tomorrow?" or "What tests do I have this week?" But death, that was deep, burdensome, and far from me. Or so I thought.

Wanting to Be Alone

On the subway home from school, our group of friends usually chatted and played card games. But the week that Victor died, Alex sat on the train by himself, in a corner seat, far away from where we were playing cards. When I went over to talk to him, he told me to go away.

It wasn't until a few days after Victor's funeral that Alex stopped sitting by himself on the train and came back to us for a game of Chinese poker.

Some of Alex's responses to Victor's death ran deeper. Alex was especially pained by Victor's death because the last time he'd seen Victor, they'd had an argument and Alex stalked off without saying goodbye.

No More Grudges

Alex has a lot of good qualities but he tended to hold grudges. He and Victor had been fighting over something that Alex doesn't even remember. Now Alex lives with that regret.

But Alex has learned from his mistake. Since Victor's death, he's careful not to hold grudges. I've noticed that he doesn't get mad at me as much as he used to, and if he does, he isn't mad for long.

Recently, for example, we were fighting over whether I'd inadvertently called him a stupid loser. I kept saying that I was joking, but he got all worked up about it. Had it been the old Alex, he wouldn't have talked to me for a few days, but this time, he was just mad at me for an hour.

It Could've Been Any of Us

Victor's death taught Alex, and me, that it's important to live for the now. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Perhaps we will end up like Victor. It could've been any one of us coming home from a friends' house that night, instead of Victor.

A few months after Victor died, my friend Jack and I were sitting in class talking. We were supposed to be working on our projects but we got to talking about random things-school, friends, and stuff we thought about.

"We're already 16, and there are so many things that I haven't done," Jack said.

I knew what he was talking about. I always thought I'd have forever to do everything because I wasn't going to die until I was old, but now, I thought, "What if I die when I'm young?"

Wake Up Call

I suddenly realized all that I hadn't done. When my friends asked me to hang out, or go to the movies or the park or ice skating with them, I didn't go because I was too preoccupied with school.

Here was my wake up call. My revelation told me to appreciate my friends, and to have more fun. I started going out more and spending more time with the people who were important to me.

To live in the here and now didn't mean chilling all the time. I still knew I had to do well in school to get into a competitive college. So when my friends called me out, I'd hesitate a little to ask myself, "Should I go out today and start my paper tomorrow or should I say no and spend my day doing my paper?"

One time, during Christmas break of my junior year, my friends asked me to go ice skating. I had a term paper due the week I got back, but the topic was easy, so I decided to go ice skating that day and do my research the next day. If it had been the old me, I would've just said no and spent the whole day doing my paper.

Make Something of Life

Losing Victor didn't change life drastically for me or most of my friends. After all, we weren't his family. We didn't know him well. What we lost was a nice acquaintance, and that was sad.

But what we also lost, which changed us more, was a feeling of immunity from danger, and from death. I'm not scared of dying, but I am scared of not making anything of my life, and the fact that I'm not immortal means I only have a certain time limit to make something of myself.

I have to finish a lot of schooling, have a family and career, and visit a lot of countries before I can truly say that I won't mind dying. Right now, I haven't done any of these things.

Victor's death was a terrible thing. But I think the little changes and realizations that his death triggered have been more valuable than any others I've experienced in my short life.

"Think About It":
Prompts for discussion and/or writing:

—Have you ever experienced the death of a friend or loved one? If so, how were your reactions similar to Winnie's? How were they different?

—While Victor's death was a terrible thing, some good came out of it-Winnie learned to appreciate life to the fullest. Has a negative experience in your past ever resulted in something positive? What was the experience, and what good came out of it?

—What does Winnie do to help Alex feel better? Should she have done more? If so, what? What would you have done to help Alex with his feelings of loss?