Names have been changed.

Whenever we wanted to unwind, my younger sister Julia and I always watched the Maury Povich show together. Maury’s show often involved infidelity, pregnancy, and “Who’s the daddy?” We would shake our heads, wondering how these women could let men degrade them like that. Often it was teen mothers trying to find fathers for their children, giving us a glimpse into the life of a teen parent.

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Julia always said, “I would never be a teen mom.” But just three years later, she was.

Julia always had big expectations for herself and wanted the best in life. She had plans to finish high school and go to college to become an artist, veterinarian, chef, or a fashion designer. Julia wanted to be married before she had children.

Falling in Love too Fast

But when she was 16, she started dating a guy named Angel who she thought was her “knight in shining armor.” He acted nice and sincere, and he told my sister he was a virgin. I still told my sister to be careful, because I didn’t want her to end up getting hurt. I could see that she was falling in love with him too fast.

After only two months, I started hearing rumors that my sister was pregnant. I didn’t believe it. I had noticed a bump, but she always had a little pooch after she ate.

One day I decided to ask Julia how things were going with Angel. She said they were having problems. She didn’t trust him anymore and said he’d been talking to her friends and trying to mess with them. She’d started to see a different character coming out of him. He wasn’t that affectionate anymore and he was always hurting her feelings.

I asked her if she was pregnant. She told me she was, and that she didn’t know how many months along she was.

Even more shocking, Julia said that she’d planned it, sort of. She explained that she’d been to the doctor a while back and was told that she couldn’t have children (my aunt later confirmed this). It really hurt Julia to hear that because she’d always wanted to have children. She didn’t tell Angel about what the doctor had said; she just decided on her own to see if she could get pregnant. Clearly that doctor was wrong.

Julia started to have more problems with her boyfriend after she told him that she was pregnant. They would argue a lot, and she would ask him whether he cared for her and the baby, and whether he was being faithful in the relationship. At the same time, she was still managing work and school.

Harsh Realities

As her pregnancy progressed, Julia started to ask for advice on how to handle the situation with Angel. I told her I thought she and Angel should try to get along for the sake of the baby, and she did try to reconcile with him. Julia and I both knew what it was like not having our mother and father around, and she didn’t want her baby to have only one parent. So they tried not to argue as much and they would still go out on dates together.

But things only got worse between them. He was spreading rumors that my sister was crazy, or that she was dating other dudes. I didn’t believe him because I knew that my sister was very faithful in her relationships. It’s true that my sister could be extra sensitive, but that’s not the same as crazy.

Julia started to see the harsh realities of being a parent, and realized she couldn’t afford a baby. She and Angel talked about where the baby would live. Since Julia was in foster care and wanted to stay in her foster home until she finished school, they had decided the baby would live with his family. But as time went on, Julia began to change her mind. She didn’t like the environment that Angel lived in. She didn’t want her daughter to have strife in her life and thought about giving her up for adoption.

When Angel found out that Julia was considering that, he was angry. He wanted to raise his daughter himself. He also didn’t want the baby go through the same situation that my sister and I went through being separated from our family. So the adoption idea faded.

image by Froylan Garcia

For the Baby

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my niece, Alice. Even going through Julia’s pregnancy with her didn’t prepare me for seeing the baby for the first time. Looking at Alice sleeping peacefully, I started crying. I was now an aunt.

Julia and Angel had decided before Alice was born that she would spend weekends with Julia and weekdays with Angel’s family so that Julia could finish high school. Julia found it hard living back in the foster home and being separated from her daughter during the week, but she knew she wasn’t ready to fill the responsibilities of a parent.

After Alice was born, Julia’s problems with Angel got worse. She broke up with him when Alice was three months old. They soon got back together and tried to be a couple for Alice’s sake, but their relationship problems didn’t go away. He continued to make up things and gossip about her.

He even started trying to come between Julia and me, telling me things that I couldn’t believe, like that Julia was an unfit parent. That just hurt me to the bone because I knew my sister was trying to be a good mother. I also knew how much stress and pressure she had from the breakup and all the arguing.

Julia and I both found out just how dishonest Angel was on Alice’s first birthday. Since her birthday was in October, it was a Halloween party, held at his mom’s house. Angel was out of town and didn’t come to the party.

The Truth Comes Out

During the party, Beatrice, his mother, said that she wanted to talk to Julia in private about Angel. I went with my sister to give her moral support. Behind closed doors, Angel’s mom told us that Angel had two kids from two past relationships. They were a boy and a girl, ages 4 and 6. He didn’t take responsibility for them.

I kept looking at Julia, wondering how she was going to take this since she’d believed he was a virgin. She started pouring tears and covered her face.

Julia confronted Angel after that and told him that she had no respect for him and regretted every moment of their relationship. She said the only thing she’d talk to him about in the future was Alice, nothing else.

It Takes More Than Sex

Julia has now moved forward with her life. She’ll be finishing high school this year so that she can join the Navy. She’s also learning Tae Kwon Do. I’m very proud of Julia because she’s learning from her mistakes and becoming a better mother for my niece.

Julia and Angel should have spent more time talking about what they wanted from the relationship. Julia wasn’t honest about trying to get pregnant, and Angel wasn’t honest about not being a virgin and already having two kids. They should have talked about all of that openly before having sex.

Some people feel that sex makes the relationship exciting, but you should know a person’s background before taking that step. I think that you should take six months to a year to have sex. In that time, make sure your partner is someone you really know and be open about your past. This is important for the relationship, and also important for your health: Everyone should be tested for STDs before having sex.

I’m not in a relationship right now but I’m going to make sure to get to know a person before I start anything with them. I want someone to respect me as person, love me for me, and to be honest with me. I want to build a friendship first so I can know what that person is truly about: Are they about goals and aspirations or drama and nonsense?

It’s your choice who you let into your life. Take your time and choose carefully, especially if you’re doing things that could end up bringing another person into the world.