If someone had told me two years ago that I was going to be a mom at 18, I wouldn’t have believed it. I always thought that before I had a kid I was going to have a big wedding with all my friends and family there. But it didn’t occur that way and I do not regret it.

I decided to have a baby because I felt alone and sad that I didn’t have a close relationship with my own mother. I came to the U.S. when I was 8 to live with my mom, who had left me with my grandparents as a baby so she could make a better life in New York.

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When I was a little girl living with my grandparents, I always dreamed of being together with my mom. But when I first met her in New York, I didn’t feel connected to her. She wasn’t even there to meet me at the bus station when my grandmother and little cousins arrived in the city.

I expected us to be like mother and daughter and to have things in common. Instead, my mom felt like a stranger. And as I got older, she started leaving me in charge of my younger siblings while she worked. Sometimes she would be gone for days. I didn’t feel like she was a mom to me, but she was the only family I had. My father was back in my country and the rest of my family was in Texas.

My loneliness only got worse after I went into foster care. Although I had a good relationship with my foster mother and cared about her, she wasn’t my mom. When I did see my mom, we were always arguing. Sometimes we’d go months without speaking to each other.

Missing My Mom

The summer that I was 16, my mom and I had a big argument. She disliked the fact that when I visited her on weekends, I was always on my phone. She decided that she didn’t want me to visit her if things were going to be like that, so I didn’t.

Something that my mother and I have in common is our pride. When we say something, we keep our word. So I didn’t go back to see her, even though it hurt me not having her around.

After two months of not seeing my mother, I started feeling depressed. I felt that I had no one in this country by my side. I started thinking about the fact that I lived with people who weren’t even related to me. And the one person who was supposed to be by my side, my mother, preferred not to see me.

Someone Who Would Be There

That’s when I decided I wanted a baby of my own. I thought having a baby meant I wouldn’t have to worry about people being there for me. I’d have something that belonged to me and that wasn’t going to leave my side.

I’d been with my boyfriend since the 7th grade and I believed he was the right one. I saw him every day after school. One day when we were lying down together, I told him I wanted to get pregnant. He was stunned. At first he thought I was joking, but then he realized I was serious.

He told me he was scared to have a kid with me while I was in foster care. He didn’t want the system to take the baby away. I told him they wouldn’t do that unless there was a reason. Finally, he agreed.

On January 2, 2009, I found out I was seven weeks pregnant. I was very happy but also scared about what my foster mother would say. She’d always been there for me since I came into care. I thought she was going to be mad at me, or maybe she wouldn’t want me in her house anymore. But I didn’t feel it was right to hide it from her, so I worked up the courage to say it.

“Abuela, I need to speak to you.”

“What happened? Don’t tell me you’re pregnant.”

image by Jessica Deng

“Yes. I just found out today.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you. You know me and the rest of the family are always going to be here for you.”

She went on to say that now I’d have to work harder to give my child a better life, and to always keep my head up and keep up with school. I knew she wanted the best for me and that she was disappointed.

I never even thought about leaving school. I knew that if I wanted to give my baby a better life, I’d need my education. I worked harder than I had before I got pregnant. My teachers all told me how proud they were of me.

Growing Up

Preparing to become a parent had a big impact on me. Before I was pregnant I didn’t really care about my grades. I would cut classes with my friends. But once I knew I was having a baby, all that changed.

It didn’t go so smoothly with my friends. They told me my life was ruined. I didn’t believe that; I knew that I could overcome anything.

My daughter Stacey was born on August 20, 2009, and my life changed. My daughter fills that emptiness I always felt inside me. Now I know I have someone by my side who really loves me. I love seeing her learn new things, smile, laugh, and play. I don’t think I could go a day without her.

My relationship with my mother has changed, too. We get along better, and she loves my daughter. Before, she would disagree with anything I wanted. But now she respects my choices.

When Stacey was three months old, I left my foster home to live with her dad. There were some things I had to give up by leaving foster care, like money for living expenses and for college. It was also hard because I was really attached to my foster mom and she was attached to me.

But I felt it was important for my daughter to grow up next to her father. He helps out and really enjoys each new thing she learns. He watches her when I’m at school and work, plays with her, and talks with her. I’m glad that Stacey will grow up with him in her life. It’s been hard being away from my own dad since I was 8.

Parenthood Means Sacrifice

One thing I realized when I became a parent was that I had more people supporting me than I’d known. They helped me learn the things I needed to know as a new mom. I became more grateful for the people in my life.

Still, I don’t recommend rushing into parenthood. You have to be sure you can support a baby and that you yourself have enough support. It would’ve been really hard if I were alone because I wouldn’t have anywhere to take the baby when I go to school. I also wouldn’t be able to afford all the things I needed to take care of my baby.

I learned that having a child means growing up yourself. You have to be really honest with yourself about what you’re prepared to sacrifice. You’ll have to give up spending time with your friends and buying things for yourself. You also have to remember that every single thing you do is setting an example for your child. I knew I couldn’t be messing up in school. I had to stop the parties.

I have four classes a day at school, go home in the afternoon to spend time with Stacey and to nap, and then head off to work in the evening. My job involves doing inventory for stores all over the city, and sometimes I don’t finish until the middle of the night. It’s exhausting, but I know my daughter deserves the best. The only way for me to give her that is by getting my education and believing in myself.

This summer I am graduating from high school. I plan to attend a community college and later transfer to a four-year college for early childhood education to become a kindergarten teacher. I know it’s going to be hard, but I want to be a good example to Stacey. If she sees that I work hard for her, she will work hard for herself.