See all stories from issue #101, Summer, 2010
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We talked to Victoria Malkin, Ph.D., an anthropologist who studied urban immigration and poverty and family groups. She later became a psychotherapist.
Q: How do you define family?
A: A family can be formed among people who aren’t blood-related. Definitions of family vary around the world, but they all tend to include two concepts: obligation (a feeling of responsibility for someone) and reciprocity (I’ll help you if you help me). Family creates obligation, but so does reciprocity—you do something for me and I owe you a favor.
In the United States, the standard nuclear family is two parents and their biological kids, but even that’s confusing, because you also have grandparents and cousins. How far out that family extends and who has responsibility for whom is different from country to country and even within countries.
We tend to think of family as blood relatives, but in other parts of the world there are different ideas about that. In Latin America, for example, there are people who are like godfathers and godmothers, called compadres and comadres. They are chosen by the parents from the surrounding community, and they add another layer of people to help the children through life. Compadres and comadres may even step in and take care of the children if something happens to the parents. Many cultures have similar family arrangements.
Q: What does family provide, socially and psychologically?
A: From the social perspective, family is a group that can share and provide resources (money, food, land, and shelter, for example). It’s an economic arrangement in a way.
From a psychological perspective, kids get the sense of how to feel good about themselves from a loving family who feels proud of them. From that, you get a sense of pride about yourself. Without it, you’re always looking outside for self-esteem.
As babies grow up, they develop a sense of the outside world, and it helps if they can develop what we call “basic trust.” A sense that the world can be safe and people are there for them. This helps people as they grow up tolerate the normal and everyday disappointments and frustrations that are part of life. If not, life is much more scary and people much more threatening.
So parents help us develop trust in other people. Kids want to know they are loved. When kids doubt this, they act out. What they’re communicating is “Notice what I am doing and help me.”
“Someone loves me enough to keep me from doing that” is part of a child’s response to getting boundaries. Foster kids know that the people who care for them are temporary and that they get paid. So psychologically it makes sense to test to see who actually cares enough to tolerate bad behavior and not send the kid back to the agency.
Q: How can other kinds of groups help make up for absence of family?
A: Groups based on shared interests give you confidence and help you identify with others. It’s important that someone might be interested in you for what you like, especially if your previous relationships haven’t been positive or respectful.
Joining a group and staying in it can help people develop a sense of identity and feel accepted. I join a basketball team or a theater group and suddenly we all share goals, language, and other things. Joining groups also forces people to manage relationships with each other, which is an important step to deeper intimacy.
Of course sometimes the group might not be accepted by society or great for the kid (a gang or cult), but it is providing something that was missing. A gang is a strict group with very clear rules. Kids know exactly what they have to do to belong and be accepted. There’s a similar thing when you join the armed forces: You’ll do anything for your buddies; you’ll die for them and vice versa.
If a person has trouble finding a strong sense of self or identity, because they never got it from a caretaker, that leaves people without a clear sense of self. Gangs and the military say clearly, “Here are the rules; here’s how you belong.”
An online group in a way is the opposite of the gang. The affiliation is loose, and you can leave the group when you want. That allows people to feel attached but not overwhelmed. Having a lot of people in a group means you’re not depending on just one person. That can lessen the fear of being let down or betrayed.
Q: How can you figure out what you can expect from members of your group?
A: Part of growing up to healthy adulthood is figuring out that other people have reactions that may not be like yours. It’s not an easy task, it requires empathy and imagination. If you have been disappointed and are scared of other people hurting you, you might not have had the freedom to figure these things out. You’ve spent so much energy protecting yourself.
People approach joining groups and making friends in different ways. Some people think the only way they can be accepted is if people feel sorry for them, so they share their misery, because they can’t imagine themselves having something positive to offer. Some are scared of rejection so they start off by rejecting others; others try to impress everyone because they don’t know why people would want to be with them otherwise.
People might be so desperate to make a connection that they immediately assume that another person is their best friend, forgetting that the other person might need more time for acceptance and intimacy.
It’s hard but important to learn to feel you have something to offer and to trust that people will like you for who you are. You don’t have to pretend to be something else. At the same time, you need to realize that not everyone might like you, but that is OK too. It doesn’t have to trigger a flood response of all the previous humiliation and rejection you have felt when your family failed you.
Q: What are some specific ways to get close to someone you like in your group?
A: A good starting point is to give that other person a chance before leaping to conclusions. If you feel rejected by someone, try to imagine what the other person might be going through—could they be having a bad day? Could they be nervous about your judging them? Take a deep breath and try to find other reasons for a person’s behavior besides “She hates me!”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You don’t know what another person is feeling, so ask them what’s going on. Intimacy is very scary, especially if family intimacy has been bad. To be intimate IS a risk. You can’t control the other person, and they might hurt you. But when it works, it’s worthwhile.
Be honest. You can tell people they’ve upset you, and that doesn’t mean the relationship will end. Tell people how you feel, rather than telling the other person that what they’re doing is wrong.
Give yourself space even as you’re getting close. Worry about yourself and your comfort as much as you worry about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Remember that people may want to get to know you, but they also need time to adapt to who you are, just like you need time to figure them out.
If you have a painful personal history, you can talk about it at the pace you want to. It is your history to tell. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but when you know someone well, it might feel good to share. Just remember people might not have the reactions to it you want. For example, they might feel guilty you suffered when they didn’t; they might be embarrassed by their good luck and so avoid asking you more about it. Try to remember that another person’s reaction is not necessarily a rejection or judgment of you.
