See all stories from issue #101, Summer, 2010
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Names have been changed.
I never had a loving family. My adoptive mother hit me and pulled my hair until I would scream. She would also say evil things to me, like she wished I wasn’t her daughter, she hated me, she wanted me to live on the streets. A friend of hers molested me for seven years, and she blamed me for it. She said it was my fault—if I didn’t look so developed, then he wouldn’t be chasing me.
I looked for love in the Bloods because my mother never gave it to me. For about 10 years, when I was a kid, I stayed with a baby-sitter, Michele, when my mother would go to work. The baby-sitter had four children and a few other kids she watched.
Michele’s oldest son Anthony always looked out for me, and I called him my big brother. I called Michele’s other three kids my sisters and brothers too. Anthony was about 20 when I first met him. I started to hear the word Blood when I was about 7 but I didn’t know what it meant until I was about 12. That’s when I learned that Anthony was an OG or “Original Gangster,” which means he was very high up in the Bloods. Guys get to be OGs by being in the gang a long time and taking charge of gang activities.
Tired of Being Picked On
When I was in elementary school I was always the kid everyone picked on. They teased me about my hair, my clothes, even how I smelled. They called me names and always made me cry.
When I went to middle school I was determined that I would not be the same girl that always was picked on. I grew my hair; I wore things that would make girls and boys turn; I made sure that I was no longer the ugly duckling. I would become a swan. I got more attention and no one laughed at me anymore. Now I was the center of attention.
I didn’t just want the power of beauty, though. I wanted that power that men get too. It always seems that men wear the pants and men hold the gun, but who said that women can’t do the same? My middle school had a lot of gang members and I was friends with many of them. My first love, Manny, was a Blood and that’s how I really got introduced to this gang.
Manny had gotten into the Bloods by fighting 10 different boys, including two at a time. Just fists, no weapons, no rules. You know when a fight is over because whoever is timing it tells you to stop. I watched Manny fight another boy in a school bathroom; one of my friends was timing it on his watch. I was kind of used to seeing fights, but I was nervous because I did not want to see Manny get hurt. He was winning the fight when the cops came in the bathroom and told everyone to get out.
When your boyfriend is Blood you automatically become Blood if you want. Girls who get in that way are called Rubies. People have choices and my choice was to be Blood. I wanted to show the members that I’m tough and that I’m not scared of anything. I also joined because that was the in thing. Everyone was doing it.
Not Right
But certain things made me say, “This is not right.” I was scared when I found out my boyfriend had a gun. I asked him why he had it and he said to protect himself. Three boys I knew raped a girl. I learned that girls can be forced to have sex with all the Blood members in their community or do something called roll the dice. This is when a girl will roll a dice and whatever number it lands on then that’s how many men she has to have sex with.
Sometimes girls have to roll the dice to join the Bloods. Rubies have a little more protection. A girl can also get into the gang like a boy, by getting jumped by five people for 10 minutes each or 10 people for five minutes each. Girls used to just have to fight girls, but now men can jump girls too. You can also get “blessed in,” which means your OG lets you in without fighting or getting jumped, but girls who are blessed in don’t have as much power.
Anthony didn’t want me to be in a gang. He warned me against it. He didn’t tell me that he was an OG, but I knew. Even though Anthony didn’t know I’d joined the Bloods, I felt like I had to prove to him and myself that I was tough enough to be a Blood. So I did fight a few fights. I never really liked fighting. It’s not that scary, but I’m more of a lover than a fighter.
But I did enjoy the respect and power. Kids at school stopped calling me names and started saying hi to me. They would ask to sit next to me at lunch or to hang out after school.
Anthony didn’t know I knew he was in a gang until I was 14 and already a Blood. One day, he and my sister were sitting at the dining room table. I pointed at his red, green, and black beads and asked him if he was Blood.
He stalled. He said, “What makes you say that?”
“I see the beads on your neck.”
“What do you know about Bloods?”
I told him what I knew. He looked at my sister and said “Wow, she knows a lot. I didn’t expect that was coming.” He was impressed that I’d learned so much from the meetings. But he then gave me a lecture about how it’s bad and that he didn’t feel it was right for me. He told me that I was beautiful and he asked, “What does a beautiful girl need from a gang?”
I then took my sister in the bathroom with me and I showed her the three burn marks on my left arm; the burns were connected with the gang. Some people have three burns on their left arm; some have tattoos of dog prints. They both let other people know that you are a Blood member. My sister was shocked, and then she went and told Anthony. That led to him asking me questions and then telling me more. Our sister couldn’t believe the things we were saying. She kept asking, “That really happens?”
Power and Respect
Gang members tell you stories about the gang when you go to meetings. Anthony and others said that Bloods and Crips used to get along. They both were meant to help their communities. For example if they saw a homeless woman walking around their neighborhood they would get her a bite to eat, maybe let her stay in their crib for awhile. Bloods were meant to help one another, teach one another how to survive in the hood. According to this story, when the Bloods started they were more of a positive community, like a church or a big family.
When you have more power, they say you get more respect. Respect from the OG means he would trust you with things he wouldn’t trust any other member with. You can also gain respect from your community, but that kind of respect seems more like fear to me. Like if you walk in a store with your flag then the store clerk will do anything for you so you won’t get mad and kill him.
Today, the Bloods murder, rob, and sell drugs. Now they don’t care if you’re a child on a street; they will kill you or beat you up if you mess with them. Now it’s all about drugs and money and killing everyone they don’t like. Bloods and Crips both want to prove they run the streets and that no one can get in their way.
I only found out how violent and destructive the Bloods were after I joined. They seemed to do bad things just to gain more attention. They had more fights, they raped more girls, they killed more people. It was hate that turned into violence.
OG in Rikers
I was devastated when Anthony got arrested for assault and a gun charge and violation of his parole and went to jail. I felt lost and so unprotected and out of place. Everyone knew Anthony. He was like the street king on his block. My sister, Michele’s daughter, always went up to see him in Rikers jail. Even thought he was in jail he still knew the 411 about how his business was doing and what his family was up to.
Somehow he always knew what was going on with me. He was mad when he heard I got arrested. I had called the cops on my mother for the abuse she was giving me but instead they arrested me, because they believed my mother’s story instead of mine. He knew everything—that five cops had thrown me to the floor and handcuffed me and almost broke my arm. He was ready to kill someone.
Anthony didn’t want me to be in the gang. He told me it’s very dangerous. He said he wanted me to finish high school and go to college. He didn’t want me to live a street life.
Blood No More
I recently heard two tragic stories. The first one was about a 15-year-old girl known in the Bloods as “Lady Red.” She was arrested for stabbing a man whose body was found stuffed in a garbage bag in the Bronx. The second story I read was about a teenage girl who was gang-raped by six youths on a playing field after her prom. These stories made me realize that I don’t want to be a part of this lifestyle.
I went to the next meeting and told them that I didn’t belong there, this was not who I am, I didn’t want to be a part of this anymore. I walked out after they told me to leave. I left with a smile on my face knowing that I don’t have to worry about getting into trouble anymore.
Today I still know some Blood members, but they know that I don’t want that gang stuff around me and they respect that. I think I’m free of it, but I’ve also heard “once in Bloods, always in Bloods.”
I don’t consider myself a Blood anymore. The gang got me into so much trouble. I felt like everyone always looked at me as a violent person and a troubled teen, and that’s not who I am. I got tired of being criticized.
I do miss some things about being Blood—the status, the respect, the fact that everyone knew my name, the popularity. But today, I don’t have to go to a gang to find love. I have it right here in myself. I also have a boyfriend who really loves me for me, and my best friends, and family.
I now know that “respect” in the gang sense really means “fear.” You could have the biggest gun and get respect, but it’s not real respect, like the kind you have for someone you admire. For example, I respect my director in my residential treatment center, Mrs. Fernandez. She is a kind, respectful woman. She’s honest and she has a good heart. She loves what she does and she loves the kids she works for. The way I look up to her is real respect.
